Whilst in the UK I never drove, I occasionally had flings with fitness and bikes but it was mainly because I drank – and Thank God I never drive when I was drinking.
Before I went to Botswana I had a provisional license but I am not sure why, and when I got there I never used it. For some reason I got a case of morality – rather stupid false morality. You see the guys at the Francistown DVLA? did not know the difference and were converting UK provisional licenses to Botswana driving licenses.
Anyway by the time I was Thandied into a car, they were not doing this so I bought the car without a license. And it was 18 months before I got one! It became a school joke as I learnt the ropes as to where the police checks were, and took a safari to work every day. I managed to drive that long with only a few fines.
The silliest fine was when I was teaching Thandi to drive. I had found a place near where I lived where I had taught myself so I took her there. But unfortunately on the way back one night there was a police check. She was driving so she was fined – of course that meant I paid, so then somehow I went off and then went back for the car where I was immediately fined and the car was taken to the police station – something I had tried to avoid.
Anyway all this dodging around was frustrating so I tried to pass the test. The problem was getting to take a test. For the second town in the country, and the biggest northern town, there was only one testing day in a month at that time and they tested 6 people. I wasn’t really prepared but was told to get up early to register for the test. I got to the office at 6.00am, and already there were 6 piles of stones that formed the queue – and a large number of people milling around.
So a friend said “Try Zambia”. I was introduced to a friend of a friend I will call Mli. Now Mli was also a local teacher who was not totally reputable but he said he knew someone in Livingstone who could get me a license. He said I needed to go? We drove up there, and it was probably the only time he didn’t pick up the girl hitchers! We shared petrol but not equally, and he dropped me at Livingstone Vic Falls campsite. I sat there with my books – quite nice. He would turn up, say he needed such and such for bribes, and go away again. In the end his story was that the bribee would not risk the license fix as I was white, so he couldn’t do it. Could I lend him the bribe money as his family were expecting gifts? It took me more than 6 months to get all that money back, pressuring thr friends who had recommended him.
It was not too far away from my returning to the UK so I thought I’d take and pass the test there. I got back there, wires had got crossed and a friend of a friend of the family, a driving instructor, was booked for 10.00am the morning I flew in at 6.00am. I was not sharp but the guy said to me “You might have driven round Africa thousands of kilometres but you will never pass the UK test in a month on lessons alone without driving practice.” So I gave up on that one, and prepared myself for the dodging around on my return to Francistown.
On my return I learned they were doing tests, and I met Thomas. I discovered they had manoeuvres. Now I have never understood why they had manoeuvres, as Francistown had one wide main street. To park, cars pulled to the side and stopped at all angles and positions. So why did people have to learn manoeuvres? But there were three of them. A forward S, reverse S and parallel parking. None of these manoeuvres were what you might call natural parking as they were all far more difficult than you would ever need. Forward and reverse S were fine but the parallel parking was a severe problem. There were government regulation pens – we had them in the school, and cones were placed one pen’s length form the four corners of the car. You then had 5 minutes to get in and out of the cones.
Now this manoeuvre was in no way a natural requirement of parking anywhere - except maybe London with power steering. And I could only do it by learning Thomas’ instructions, and these would never have worked in London. I cannot remember the full instructions now but it involved full lock one way then the other, and you had to judge it by seeing the imprint of the tyre tread on the dirt ground.
You first took a written test followed by the maneouvres and then the road test – 3 parts 3 tests at different times. Thomas had a practice written test so I did that – and found notable similarities with the real test!!
Then the manoeuvres and I failed the parallel parking passing it the second time. I have never used the skills again. And then the road test which was fine. Now the majority of people at the time in Botswana had evidently bought their licenses so I now had one of the few legal versions. And was able to drive in the UK for a year - ironically. In fact I have driven in the UK safely – apart from an annoying speed camera for a total of 18 months since. I don’t think I can take the test there now because I am not resident.
Anyway my fun with driving tests didn’t end there. It started all again in Oman 4 years later. They would not accept my Botswana driving license – funny that. So I started all the driving and dodging in Muscat.
Meanwhile Oman had its manoeuvres involving OIL drums – you had to forward and reverse S into 6 oil drums. I am not a keen reverser, and one friend mocks me for it, but this again was not a natural manoeuvre because of the tightness of the drums. The problem here was language. You need to follow instructions exactly to get into the drums, and the test was done in standardised cars – I don’t know which one. So I would drive around in my 4-by-4 and then have to have driving lessons in this little tin box.
To do the reverse into drums you had to position the drum with reference to the frame of the car and lock one way then the other etc. But you needed to follow precise instructions. Except that the driving instructor did not speak good English, and you could only be taught by an official driving instructor. I ended up taking the drums test 4 times, I think.
But Oman had a road test as well. But the road test was not a road test, it was a test as to whether you knew the peculiarities of local driving conditions. So of course I failed the first test. Oman is right-hand driving, and 50 metres before a garage I was asked to turn into it. At the first turning the road was a Y so it appeared that you go in the road and follow the right hand section of the Y. As I took the turning I noticed a no entry sign at the point of the Y, but assumed it was for the left-hand fork. Wrong, the No Entry was for the whole of the Y, and that the entrance the tester wanted me to take was ten yards further on.
I went back to my driving instructor, Hussein, and he said – too late – yes they try to trick you. I then spent another month of lessons getting Hussein to show me any tricks in Al Khuwair that the testers use.
So I came to the next test. And guess what. The test was on Tuesday, and on Monday they changed the venue to Ruwi. Now at that time I had never driven in Ruwi so I was worried. I drove along with the tester and we came to a big roundabout in Ruwi. I cannot remember the instruction the tester gave me but the roundabout blew me out, and I wasn’t able to safely follow his instruction. I went round again and turned right. Then I came along another road and he told me to go straight. Now there were two lanes, and there was a queue for turning left so I took the right-hand lane. I drove along the right-hand lane only to discover that when I came to the crossroads the people on the left-hand lane were going straight and left. I had to block the traffic as I went straight on. I had cut short a trip driving across the Wahiba to do this test and I had failed yet again.
Two days later Hussein phoned me to tell me I had passed the test. I couldn’t believe it. Apparently I had had the same tester for both tests and to my shame I didn’t recognise him. The tester told Hussein he had passed me because I was a good driver who didn’t know local conditions! I was at the police station within two minutes getting the license before he changed his mind. I was lucky because that Ruwi roundabout should not have been a problem - I used it many times later.
I am somewhat wary of driving licenses and tests now.
