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THE LOVE IN HONITI

1) Love and Pagan

Honiti loved Naica with all his heart – and in the way only a father can he loved his two kids. Waking up next to her that morning and looking at her face, sleeping the peace of angels, a deep well of fondness overtook him, and he immersed himself in its warmness. He loved her …. he loved her …. and he hated the lack of control that was the rollercoaster his love had given him.

His thighs screamed for contact, and he wrapped himself around the warmth that was her arse, his thighs thanking him for the peace. This was all he needed. He was in the total abnegation that came with the first passions of his love. When he woke up he was love, he managed to do routines – cleaning his body; eating was harder. Occasional thoughts came in – this was no Path, but in came the love torrent washing away such trivialities. And of course the torrent gave him no discernment and he did not know what was passion …. and temporary.

His love with passion had great power over him, power that left him without discernment. Passion was short-lived, love gave him peace and was always there with him. But life goes on, passions come and go, love stays but it is not meant to battle truth.

Naica had talked to him about missing out growing up, unhealthy fantasies fought with healthy ones, and in the end she had reached adulthood deluded. “I am sorry your childhood was like that,” he consoled “but there is time to change now – I can try to help you if you want.” She muttered “thanks”, but there was no conviction. If there was a problem she had no wish to solve it.

He tried again one time “Are you happy?” he asked.

“I suppose so,” she muttered quietly.

“Could you be happier?” he continued.

“Yes” she glared at him angrily.

“Can I help?” he asked.

Nothing was said, and she stared away. And he was forced to leave it. Not only did she have a problem but he had the consequences from her problem.

This situation was known in the Cotla. He thought back to the history of Cotlas – a long history. They had been first established in Pagan times in a small African country. In that country Kgotlas were heralded as a democratic success at the time but in truth this was not the case. But as a seed to contemporary practise they were definitely rooted in the truth. Basically the village sat with the Elders and resolved local and domestic problems. The original Kgotlas did this on occasions but there was no will throughout the country – or anywhere in the world in those Pagan times for problems to be solved.

His mind drifted further on the horrendous life of the majority in those Pagan times. He mused that they called themselves Homo Sapiens but there was no wisdom displayed at the time. This was a time of death, famine and poverty, and all these evils were created by those in charge who became known as the Pasur or the 1%. In these Pagan times, some wanted to call them Homo Paganus or Homo Profitus but Homo Sapiens prevailed for dubious reasons, the Pasur took advantage of ordinary people impoverishing them – mainly spiritually. The 99% or Yoxa were needed to work in the fields and factories to create the products that made the Pasur rich. These working people, Yoxa, worked for the Pasur for low wages. There were a number of phrases the Yoxa called out in vain, people not profits, we are the Yoxa. Yoxa pride, Yoxa are Sapiens too. To no avail.

The other characteristic of Pagan times was wars for profits. These wars which became known as the MICwars – wars of the Military Industrial Complex. These MICwars primarily revolved around the exploitation of natural resources for fuel. However once the MIC had found profits from oil, they also discovered a strategy of balkanisation. If a country did not support the hegemony then factions within that country were manipulated so that they fought each other demanding autonomy. Such divisions ended up fractionalising countries into separate state rendering it effectively powerless against the hegemony. Once the country was balkanised then security companies from the hegemony came in and exploited the devastation through reconstruction initiatives financed by the hegemony for their own profit. This Pagan hegemony used various excuses to cause this destruction such as religion, anti-dictatorship, women’s rights, all of which seemed suitably humanitarian to delude their own population, but the reality was that these were MICwars for profits and the Pagan hegemony profited from them. The Pasur got rich, their yoxa were richer but not rich, and much of the world was devastated by MICwars. But the hegemony deluded their yoxa that the yoxa of these devastated countries did not matter, that they were less important than their own yoxa so their deaths did not matter as much as the profits that came to the MIC. This was heartless and Pagan but for some reason Homo Sapiens at the time thought this was an OK way to live. Pagan!!

Yet people at that time still experienced love, how could they experience love and yet allow fellows in Gaia to die just for profit. How could the Pagan Pasur love and yet treat other people so badly? These Pasur were so inhumane; there were some who thought they were aliens in disguise, would that they knew?

Strangely enough much of that Pagan ignorance could be placed at the hands of science. Scientists by nature are fiercely independent, and self-absorbed through their own dedication to the supposed search for knowledge. It never struck such independent egos that the tacit fundamental axiom that each human was a separate human being was false. There were indicators in nature that such egos failed to identify. Ants had separate bodies yet they functioned as one unit, waves that appear separate as they roll into the shore are part of one huge sea, soldiers called themselves a unit. There were human faculties which appeared and disappeared, these faculties could best be understood through a unity of consciousness rather than separate beings. But the scientific model demanded separation, their education demanded separation, so beings were separate. And so much was lost by this in these Pagan times.

In fact love brought the people back together as one although they never fully appreciated it. This love was Gaia’s way of reuniting them – remembering, because their separation was so unnatural few could understand Unity – except through the occasional meditator. It was really strange how corrupted these people had become but the influence of these Pasur was so powerful, and it was in their interest to maintain separation – even though they were never conscious of Unity either. It was almost as if there was no Unity then, but that made no sense; Gaia was after all Gaia.

What was perhaps the worst aspect of those Pagan times was the complete disrespect for love – genuine love. Because it was the way of Gaia people throughout the world were falling in love – despite what was happening around them. No-one can fail to see that love has always been powerful - love was never a force that could be ignored; but the Pasur sought ways to use love for profit. In these Pagan times the world never understood love – they never understood the morass of emotions and instincts that were part of the love experience. Love was something that was to be found at the core of relationships once the perils of desire, passion, and conditioning – both consumer and societal - had been fought off. As with all the ways of the Path love existed once the outer layers of conditioning had been removed. Throughout the dogma times love came to be recognised because the people recognised the dogma of their leaders, but love intuition creativity and insight were never truly grasped in the times of dogma. Still accepting dogma as the way – a way without understanding was far better than the ignorance of Pagan times.

The Pasur managed to pervert love into being something that could be exploited. Some mothers deceived men into love to care for their children. Some men managed to delude women. As rakes they were “smooth operators” who were able to charm women into their beds – and then leave. The times were so confused, people sought love in quick sexual encounters. For men “notches on the bedpost” were meaningful, experiencing sexual relations with women from different races and backgrounds was considered acceptable behaviour, promiscuous behaviour of men was considered a chauvinist emblem. This even transferred itself into similar promiscuous behaviour amongst women, and this was met with a horrendous response from many men who were quite happy to benefit from liaisons; and then equally happy to turn around and describe such behaviour as sluttish.

Some argued that men and women experienced fulfilment differently, and others claimed such experience was the same. In early Pagan times a woman's feelings were often repressed by the dominant male society, and when that voice began to be regained some behaviours amongst women mirrored the casual distortion of love that was demonstrated by rakes. Theoretical equality turned some sexual behaviour into equivalence, and began to force changes on both women and men that led to losing any connection with the way Gaia had designed. For some what a man wanted, what a woman wanted was lost in this ill-considered confusion just adding to the pressure that love was under to be found. It was amazing how love ever emerged but it was so powerful it had to.

But with all that confusion sometimes the basic historic issue was sometimes forgotten because in earlier times men had beaten women, and society had imposed such a horrendous sexual image on women that many found it difficult to find any self-fulfilment because they were too engrossed in this imposed sexual body-image; the rakes of course exploited this. Even in dogma times women took a while to come to terms with themselves as the conditioning had been so oppressive, and for a while men reacted badly to women seeking appropriate equality. Such a mess had nothing to do with what Gaia had designed.

None of this mattered to the Pasur because while the yoxa were seeking confused fulfilment in this morass that was known as love they were forced to earn money to participate in this confusion – as images of money and sexual fulfilment pervaded across the Pasur-media. What mattered within this confusion was that through the Pasur-media there was the confusion of instinct with love. Gaia’s reward for procreation was the enjoyment of making love but to extend the joy from this instinct beyond the times humanity were meant to enjoy it ultimately brought dissatisfaction and health problems. By the time the passions of youth had subsided Nature’s intention was that love would naturally flourish. But the media promoted the passion, idolised the passion, manipulated youth into believing they were so important – easily done with na?ve egos, and because there was no respect for the wisdom of the elders (because that wisdom saw through the profit-making) youthful egos dominated, beautiful young bodies dominated the media, young people considered themselves icons, and conditioned older people just accepted it – even though there were consequences.

Moving past the Pagan times and through the dogma period humanity began to respect love and give it its due place in the social hierarchy. Love mattered, love was helped, and people not respecting love were encouraged to change. Love could never be forced, but another’s love had to be respected. Why Naica had allowed their relationship to bear children when she did not love Honiti was her mistake. Honiti was a good man, he loved her genuinely, and her love for him should mean that their children would be balanced, grow well and be ready for love themselves. But instead she deluded herself that she loved him, and by the time the pain of that delusion became apparent it was late for both Honiti and the children.

But fortunately it was not too late as the place of love was properly respected in the Cotlas. For Honiti the Cotla met close to where he lived, it was close for everyone but even closer for Honiti. There he was granted special time by the Cotla to deal with the familial dysfunction. It was not right that the Cotla interfere, but they could ensure that Honiti had the time and resources to ensure that their children had the proper respect for love and its consequences – creativity, intuition and insight.

At home this meant a great deal to Honiti, he was granted the freedom to work with his children – the extra contact afforded by his special dispensation not to have to work as much helped cement the love between Honiti and his children that was missing from Naica.

“I love my babies,” she would shout through her tears but the more emotional she got the more Honiti knew she was going through the motions – through her emotions. Love didn’t need to be screamed out, it showed in every fibre of being, every moment of contact. The children in times of weakness needed to have that love reinforced, but in their society love was expected, love was respected, love was understood, and did not need reinforcement through passions – sexual passions could be enough of a problem to cope with when they happened. For Honiti it was good that the children saw the problems with Naica’s deluded passions. They too tried to help her but although they loved her they could also not help her through her delusions.

But of course Honiti felt some guilt whilst other people in his village worked longer hours, so he made sure, as much as possible, that balances were addressed. Much of this was done through recreational activities especially walking. Because the Cotla gave him time he was able to take the children walking in the hills, this felt so good to him. They had time to walk and enjoy. Just walking was enjoyment because they were so close to Gaia. He could talk about Gaia, but that wasn’t the bond; the love came from being together in Gaia. He felt it in himself, he watched his children, watched their happiness in Gaia, and felt it in them. A win all round except that he could never persuade Naica to come.

Sometimes Honiti walked alone especially when times with Naica were strained. There were days when he woke with her and there was just going to be strain – he hoped he wasn’t the cause but in relationship it was never 100% one partner’s fault. He was frustrated by her not loving him despite what she said. He was frustrated by her wish to curb his self-expression yet for her he only wished to encourage her. He was frustrated by her possessiveness over the children, even showing jealous rage when they walked - walking that was natural, good for the children and something she refused to participate in. Just loving her was frustrating, and that frustration had to become anger or it would just eat him up. So there were rows, and before they became too much he would leave and walk – clear his head.

To begin with the walking there would be increased frustration as his mind worked overtime to try to solve the problem only to go round in circles because every solution he came up with required that she wanted to solve her own problems. And mostly she didn’t. She had transferred the source of the problem to his anger and the ill-considered frustrated words he used when angry. She sought succour with people she knew – not the Cotla. Friends always helped each other, and with someone like Naica they knew a wrong word and their friendship would end. They would sympathise when she spoke of his anger, they supported her when she spoke of her deep love of her babies, but they could see avoidance when she asked what was the problem between her and Honiti. There were clear no-go areas for their conversations so they were comfortable with giving her support.

The one time they sought help jointly the problem became apparent. During the session the talk centred on her.

“Does Honiti do what he can at home?” asked the counsellor Paricia. Naica nodded.

“Is Honiti a good man?” Paricia continued. “No doubts that he is,” she answered “everyone says so.”

“This is not about everyone,” asked Paricia again “do you think Honiti is a good man?”

“Yes he is,” she snapped out.

“So what is your problem with him?” he asked gently.

“He gets angry with me sometimes, and then we argue,” Naica answered.

“Why does he get angry with you?” Paricia asked.

“I don’t know,” she mumbled.

So Paricia asked Honiti “why do you get angry with her?”

“I love Naica but she does not love me,” he answered openly.

“Does he love you?” Paricia asked and she nodded. “He says he does but when he is angry I sometimes think he doesn’t.”

“Love is not momentary,” Paricia told her “do you think Honiti’s love for you is moment to moment or is it deep unconditional love?”

Paricia watched as Naica squirmed but did not answer. So the question was asked again “Do you think Honiti’s love is deep unconditional love?”

And Naica answered “Yes it is but he gets angry and says bad things to me.”

Paricia continued “It is important that Honiti works on his anger, we all agree,” and he watched as Honiti nodded.

“Why is Honiti angry?” asked Paricia again.

“He says I don’t love him, that I have never loved him,” Naica answered.

“What do you say when he says that?” she sat and squirmed saying nothing.

“Is love important?” the counsellor changed approach.

“Very important,” she answered.

“Do you agree that people should only marry and have children if they are in love?” continued Paricia, and Naica nodded.

“Did you love Honiti when you married him?” asked Paricia.

“Of course I did,” she answered too quickly.

“Do you love Honiti now?” came the quick question.

“Not as much,” she replied without thinking.

“But love is unconditional,” stated the counsellor “does it change with time?”

“Of course not,” she answered, and he simply asked “yours has changed hasn’t it?”

“I suppose it has,” she answered.

“Does unconditional love change, has Honiti’s love changed?” asked Paricia.

“He gets angry now,” she answered.

“Is anger love or an emotion?” asked Paricia, and then she exploded “You say the same as Honiti. You are not here to help us both, you are just supporting Honiti. My friends aren’t like this, they help me.”

“It is good you have friends to give you support,” continued Paricia unfazed. “I am here to help you both and I can only do that by understanding what is the basic problem in your marriage.”

“So can I ask about marriage again?” he went on. “Let me try to find out what you both think is the basis of a good marriage. I will give you both a pad, and you write down the basis.”

Honiti wrote three words, he was clear – love, children and freedom.

Naica was going to write down the same three words. She knew what he wanted to hear, what they both wanted to hear, but it was becoming too much for her. She wasn’t going to be ganged up on. When she was with Honiti she could control him – making him angry was one control, but the two of them coming at her with this love thing. Love is personal what can they know about it, what do men know about it? With her friends she was OK.

She put the pad down on the table, and carefully placed the stylus beside it. Equally carefully and precisely she stood up and walked out leaving Paricia startled – and Honiti almost ambivalent, he had been surprised she had stayed so long. It was the last time they attended counselling. Paricia referred Honiti to the Cotla’s USG – Unrequited Support Group – in the hope of controlling Honiti’s anger in such a difficult situation.

Honiti’s first meeting of the USG was more a courtesy to the counsellor, Paricia, with a touch of testing the water. Despite encouraging Naica to attend counselling with him, his normal way was to keep his own counsel. His difficult situation increased that wariness, he had a social position to maintain after all. His business was his own, and even though his business (with Naica) brought with it deep frustration and stress he did not like sharing it. But he understood the wisdom of relieving frustration - not bottling it up, and perhaps the anonymity of the USG would be good for that.

On arrival he found himself alone pushing him to check his calendar. No mistake. A young man came over, introduced himself, and took him to a vidbooth. It turned out that anonymity was maintained by vid conferencing and the use of false names, Honiti felt certain that few would recognise him. As a newcomer he was expected to introduce himself, and he did so offering what might well appear an open heart but was actually very guarded. But soon he realised the regulars were kicking in using the group to “get things off their chest”. These were little points, trivialities that had come to take on too much import, but on other occasions he felt some deep revelations. His heart went out to those.

One woman had a mirror relationship to Honiti. Her husband, she called him Gerard at the meeting, had courted her to excess. Gerard had spent much money to make her interested in him, and at that point she saw danger. She confronted him, and he told her that he loved her deeply and the extravagance was only an effort to help her reciprocate that love. She had told him that love was love, and there was no amount of money that could buy it – and no little amount of money that could lose it. Suitably chastised Gerard laid off the courting, and the relationship became “normal” – mutual love, or so she thought. She later determined that he was acting, and that the extravagance was more an indicator of his character flaws than the calm that followed.

But he had fooled her. The calm led to her accepting his marriage proposal, and the inevitable children followed. And in truth to begin with he was a dutiful father, but then his flaws started to show. His extravagance had masked great insecurity, and although the woman, she called herself Lina, although Lina was a mature woman who accepted and followed her marriage decision with maturity his insecurity put pressure on her. The man would have deep mood swings. When he was confident he would be happy and enjoy their togetherness, then at other times he would behave so childishly she would criticise him, and he would sulk. The sulking would lead to insecurity, and he would profess unboundless love for her wanting similar shallow protestations from her. Being mature such shallowness didn’t ring true to her, and although she told him she loved him – she did – she could not stoop to such adolescent insecurities. This would worsen his mood – that could sometimes last for days.

She learned to live with the mood swings but they were affecting the children who were also now imitating this childish behaviour. Lina pointed this out to Gerard, and of course he apologised, promised effusively that he would correct his immaturity, But she knew this would not happen because there was no meaning in his words, he was saying what was expected. At other times his happiness spilt over to the children and their household was a great joy, but the children could not grow up in such a moody environment; it was not good for them. The Cotla had accepted Lina’s difficulties, offered her time to work with her kids, and generally offered what they could. But as with Naica Gerard did not want to see the depth of his problems, and he didn’t want to make any effort to resolve them. She too took them walking, spent extra time with their education, developed a system of understanding with the children that Daddy’s effusive behaviour was not to be emulated. They should love him but not copy him, he would always support her when she said this but there was no correction of behaviour. As was her duty she had informed both the school and the Cotla. The experienced people in both places monitored the behaviour of the children and the adult adolescent. There was a Cotla assembly in which they had observed Tipi, and consequently advised her to attend USG. She had told them that it was almost the opposite, her love was too “requited” but she had accepted their experience attended the USG and found the discussion and advice beneficial. She soon learned that Tipi’s expressions of love were in fact expressions of his own insecurity, the more he expressed his love the more he was defecting his own insecurity. Once this became clear Lina knew her love did not meet with her partner’s love but met with a fa?ade that was insecurity keeping love out. Without a free flow of love her children would suffer, and she needed help recognising the signs.

But it was clear from the discussion that Lina was making great efforts to cope – many successful, and that her ability to deal with her children was often initiated at the USG.

But he saw something else in Lina, Honiti saw the emptiness that he felt because his love was falling on infertile ground. When Lina was at home expecting love she found adolescent moods and she was frustrated. Love was supposed to enhance her. And Honiti understood this only too well, his love met emptiness, met a wall that occasionally responded with fondness but was never the counterpart of his love. He was shallow and empty, and this gave him great empathy as he listened to Lina.

After a few meetings their interaction began to be noted by the USG monitors. Love was not uncommon amongst the unrequited but such love had to remain unrequited because of existing love and responsibility.