Public Domain Science Fiction Writer Mokeroha contents Wai Z contents

As soon as he woke up and felt the room, he knew where he was. Sure he’d not been in this facility but it had Cotla written all over it. His heart sank as he recalled the last time, the questions, the lack of understanding, and the potential undermining of who he was. Having avoided their pressuring, once he had escaped their “conforming”, his freedom expressed his love again. But obviously not to their satisfaction now, he thought, as his eyes wandered round the room they had placed him in. How long would he have to spend justifying his truth this time? Now that he was older he could see that they were coming from love, that is the mission of the cotla. But they could not understand that he was also coming from love, love was all that mattered to him as well. Now that he was older he could say to them they don’t understand his love but when he was younger it was all dark and confused. And in many ways that darkness initially brought him to hate the cotla, and why he struggled with them. Now he even understood why he had been seen as at best exploitative - even insane - by some enlers when younger. Insane, he smiled to himself - he just loved differently. Avoiding the exploitation label, he now knew that it was about what he decided to say to them. His mother got him a bit, be careful what you say to the cotla they have helped your father and I but the enlers don’t get it. What she had said haunted him, this was not his mother; in fact his father might well have said this to him but that would have been because of trust. Having helped with the dysfunction in their family, the cotla were accepted in part by his mother but she still warned him; now he was careful, hauntingly so. In fact it was his mother’s acceptance of the cotla that had first brought him in conflict but to be honest he recalled so little about that first encounter. He was still a teenager back at this first encounter. And he had no idea who he was – far less than those around him. In general he learned what education and the cotla required of him although his discipline was immature at times, but something in him hid the conflicts that would arise in adult life. But he could never express love, his mother saw this and was deeply concerned – that was what took them to the cotla. At this stage in Yoxa development, it was a mother’s duty to raise loving children. Knowing their history, they were aware of how important expressing love was. Yet Mokeroha could not express love, he couldn’t even talk to girls. Why wasn’t his sex drive overcoming his shyness? Why wasn’t his nascent need for a loving relationship showing itself as a desire for girlfriends? One day she forced the issue with him. The mother and a friend from work took Mokeroha and Ankla, the friend’s daughter, for a day at the lake. What the mother saw was Ankla being open and friendly to Mokeroha, but he just sat in silence almost to the point of rudeness. For his mother this was the final straw, she made an appointment at the cotla. The enler, Granci, spoke with Mokeroha, but even that was hard for Mokeroha – she was pretty and he couldn’t talk to her. Saying just the minimum he giggled. Having seen this before - but not as bad as this, Granci asked Cormac to talk with Mokeroha. He got some words from Mokeroha but was also concerned. As usual Cormac began with the sports, and Mokeroha spoke of this. He played some sports, joined in with everyone – it was just the done thing. Mokeroha always went to the cotla games, did what was asked of him, and supported cotla activities. When Cormac spoke of this Mokeroha ticked all the boxes, he was even vociferous about some. Then Cormac spoke of the day at the lake, did Mokeroha enjoy the lake? Cormac recorded ambivalence. Did Mokeroha remember Ankla at the lake? Cormac just heard mumbling incoherence – nothing said. Pushing it further, he saw that he was making Mokeroha uncomfortable so he stopped. Returning home Mokeroha walked and walked and walked. He just recalled a deep intensity concerning Ankla. Remembering a little of how he felt at the lake he couldn’t crystallise his thoughts - he just felt confused, dumbstruck. In retrospect he knew the feeling was shyness but it was just so intense - deeply intense, and yet now Mokeroha spoke on platforms and had no issues with women. There was no sense to it, it was so powerful he couldn’t speak. Even a kind of mist. And in his heart a pressure – a shortness of breath. During later romantic love, he felt similar; they were obviously connected. And Ankla – he never met her again. Somehow his mother knew the enlers had disturbed him, he never went again .... at that time; whilst his mother was concerned about him she was also protecting her own relationship – deep down she probably feared prying enlers, he thought retrospectively. Soon after there was the haunting “be careful what you say to the cotla they have helped your father and I but the enlers don’t get it”. The next time Mokeroha met the enlers he was lucky – he deserved far worse. He was amongst a group of students flagged for the potential for future infringement of relationship consent due to drug abuse, this was relatively common and the enlers interviewed them giving them a leaflet. Unlike his other enler contacts the interview was peremptory, and the fact that he was immature, shy and ashamed passed him the interview. Retrospectively factors played into his hands at that time. His uncontrolled behaviour lasted a year and was far from exceptional amongst his peers, but retrospectively he knew he was never seeking love; love did come his way and thankfully his intense shyness protected him – he blew it. She was a woman of great beauty, in the end he responded with quiet oppressed by the attentions her beauty brought her. He didn’t even know she knew of him, and she made all the moves expressing her interest. But she didn’t know of his intense shyness, even though by that time he was able to talk with women without drugs - unless he had feelings for them. When he thinks retrospectively of this woman he would imagine complete servitude doing anything to protect her and be with her lovingly. He smiled to himself gratefully, he would never have coped and would have turned into a lapdog. And the path, would it have been out the window? Thankful, he concluded. Fortunately this was the last time there was such internal confusion due to women. His drug abuse began to control him more, cracks in his conformity began to appear until in the end there was no desire to maintain the sham that his upbringing and education had brought him to. Losing his job through stupidity and a complete disinterest, he went back to stay with his parents - the cotla was not involved. His confusion could have led to far worse, drug abuse and no work might have opened him to all kinds of influence – that would have involved the cotla; being with parents he escaped their attention – the cotla assumed the family was OK because there had never been significant enler intervention (thanks to his mother). But his stay at the childhood home was only brief as the path took over. His previous minimal acceptance of conditioned conformism had been washed away. He felt an empty slate; having unburdened many of the conditioned egos conformity created, the path was free to fashion the next step in his life. Leaving behind the abeyance that had been this short stay with parents, he returned to the world in which he was being guided – only this time it was not the guidance of conformity but the beginnings of the path; the path had Released him from conformity. But other than the spiritual love of the path, romantic love was nowhere to be seen. Romantic love did however sneak up on him as he began to follow his path. Now that he was following his path women were all around him; no searching, they were just there. With the path he was of interest – not necessarily as a relationship but not excluding relationship either. These were women who also were seeking their path, and that was the mutual interest. Gone was the intense shyness, and retrospectively he felt shame at who he had been before his Release, shame at the mess of immaturity, conditioning, shyness and painful self-absorption. Now that the path had Released him there was no going back, but why would he want that hell of conditioning? Because his spiritual love was all-consuming, he was not at ease with romantic love. But around him were women who were more mature and did seek romantic love; Saskira came his way. Retrospectively Saskira was a potential cosmic love, she awoke in him his love for creative women. Of course he was too immature to see it. The path had protected him with his intense shyness but this had meant he had not learnt to live with women or the potential of romantic love; enlers should note this. When Saskira’s love came he did not recognise it, and did not recognise it for the gift that it was. Instead he was focussed on the path, and after a brief period where romance was possibly broached he moved on. He was prepared to move on with her but she was not the focus of his love, learning about the path was. She did not come with him, did she know? Did all of his women know that however much he loved them spiritual love came before romantic love - even if he wasn’t conscious of it at the time? Saskira’s love woke in him the love for creative women but did his short-lived love for her cause her pain? He hoped not but did not know, will never know, and his path took him onwards. I am so sorry for any pain, that thought brought him back to the room, what he amusingly called the cotlakuk. He used that word to the enlers as a personal joke, they would hate that he was calling it a cotla prison if they knew what it meant – the source of its coinage – kuk meant prison in some language he recalled. I am so sorry for any pain, he sobbed to himself – a sobbing without tears. At one immature time he was driven out of control by lust and drug abuse, he never meant to hurt. This wasn’t love but it was short-term like so many of his relationships, it was just learning. Did he hurt the student beauty? He hurt himself at the time, but that conditioned self was beyond any real feeling of the pain of love in his unReleased blindness. Retrospectively Saskira was hurt, he thought. She had poured out her love and creativity to him, it was something he loved – he experienced – and then the path moved him on. Saskira I am so sorry for any pain, I did love you. Taking up his recollections; where he moved was the first of his travels, and it became the first consolidation of his wonders of the path. The Release had removed much conditioning, but there was still clinging to lust and the potential for romantic love. Whilst he thought he was on the lookout for this cosmic love, the reality was that he was only following his path, the path of spiritual love; of course he was not conscious of this. This consolidation was not the joy of romantic love but the joys of phala, the joys that come from within as path’s reward poured out like vibrating molecules surrounding him – he called this jhana “the guys”. He loved "the guys". Slowly his spiritual love had taught him that he wanted to live alone yet experience life and its loves. Was this wrong?, he asked retrospectively. His intense shyness had not allowed any learning from experience, that is what his independent lifestyle of spiritual love needed. But this went against the grain of the enlers. He experienced romantic love with Chami. Chami was living with and had loved Dal, he knew them both, accepted by both yet he loved Chami. They let him enter their lives, it was all openly agreed – or at least verbally agreed. What can you do but go by what Yoxa say? There was a transition where Chami continued to live with Dal, and whilst loving her he waited visiting as a friend – a friend to Dal? he wonderered in retrospect. Towards the end of her time with Dal Chami was seduced, Mokeroha’s honour was hurt, and created a barrier within their love. They got together as lovers, Dal became cut off from both, yet whilst they were lovers he lived alone. Their love was not in sync, the waiting took its toll, they were together but drifting apart, Chami tried elsewhere, and she eventually left for her hometown. Before she left Chami tried mediation with the enlers because she eventually fell deep for him. And of course the enlers wanted to help her because they were trying to enable love – romantic love. At this time Mokeroha did not understand himself – did not understand his spiritual love, deluding himself he wanted the relationship to work. He saw nothing wrong with their living separately – but then neither did she; the enlers did not agree and it became their agenda. His mind went back to their first meeting at the cotla where together they met Narcu who was of course in love and living happily with her partner. Narcu took them into her cotlakuk, a pleasant room, a room of comfort, a little homely to put Yoxa at ease but with no opulence and the homeliness was token – not a real home. It was relaxing but still a kuk, smiled Mokeroha from his contemporary kuk. With furniture arranged in a circle Chami and Mo sat together – so it was almost a confrontation. “Chami came to me, said that you are lovers but are drifting apart,” started Narcu non-judgementally. “This is true. Our past together has just put us out of sync,” began Mo openly. “I enjoy being with Chami, going out with her is fun, but we are drifting away from each other. When we were finally alone together I loved her so much but she was not over Dal - understandably. Deep love was not reciprocated because she was not ready. Yet my heart was outpouring.” “Isn’t love timeless?” asked Narcu, she meant it but it was straight from the enler manual. Bells rang in his head, Narcu would not understand his love. Mo smiled at her as Chami unknowingly saved him from an ill-advised reply. Looking lovingly at Mo, Chami smiled “You are right, I am sorry but these things have to take their course. I wanted Dal and I to finish, I had loved Dal and out of respect we stayed together until we were comfortable about the break-up. And it worked, I don’t think Dal is angry with me and has moved on happily.” “I hope he has,” said Mo genuinely “but whilst your love with Dal was taking its course my love was frustrated. And then when we got together I had dreamed it would all be bells and banjos, but it wasn’t. And you were asking me to wait again, to wait while your mind stopped clinging.” At this point anger rose and he just controlled it, they had agreed not to mention the seduction. The interview continued but Mo was watching Narcu’s agenda. When Chami and Mo spoke of loving each other she was encouraging, when they spoke of their living apart there was an edge. This enler was not about their love but love in her way, the way that was normal, that was the cotla's handbook. He smiled at his own cynicism, that sounds too manipulative but it wasn't; Narcu was an enler, and one of the cotla’s main understanding came from the history of Pagans and Dogmatons where love was not valued. When Chami and Mo left they were together and happy, but nothing had changed. Mo was drifting away and Chami didn’t want that. Their second meeting was different, when they arrived Chami sat closer to Narcu. There was a familiarity smiling together and chatting – they had met, he realised. This didn’t bode well, and he was right. Narcu supported Chami – she always had because she was a love enabler which meant “stay together”, but he detected an increased animosity. Again it was not when he spoke of love, but she was almost verbally critical of their living arrangements – a judgemental position not appropriate for a counsellor. It was not beyond Chami to have met with Narcu and work together to get Mo to move in, he thought ungraciously but factually. He of course couldn’t move in; he was happy living alone and he loved being with Chami when they met. But living with her – he knew that couldn’t work – even though he didn’t know why. When Narcu raised the question, he firmly but politely declined. When Narcu tried to push it, Chami discouraged her; the meeting petered out, and Mo went to Chami's home but didn’t stay. They tried one more meeting but now Mo couldn’t help but see Narcu as far more of an adversary, and this meeting was far less than productive. When they left Mo assumed that was the end of enlers for him until Narcu contacted him for a further meeting. When he reluctantly arrived he was meeting with Sanim – apparently a big enler, introduced as higher up Narcu’s line. Somehow his mother’s warning flashed into Mo’s head. Of course Sanim was smiling putting Mo at ease, Mo reciprocated the shallowness. Hos mother's warning added to the distrust that had grown in his short lifetime. “I am surprised you called. Chami and I discussed the situation with Narcu openly. I thought there had been a tacit understanding – irreconcilable agreement, the way adults should agree in such circumstances - love in that relationship was over sadly,” began Mo trying to dispense with flannel and yet in some way control the flow; after all why should love counsellors be opposed to his candour about love? “When relationships break down we investigate the history of both parties in the hope of helping them in their future,” Sanim answered undeterred and focussed. Immediately Mo was concerned, he did not like conformists with power looking into his personal history – his life did not measure up to their conformist blinkers. Whilst he was aware that he had hurt some women, that hurt had started with love and the pain was just life and learning. “You were brought to our attention when you were a student,” continued Sanim “for unloving behaviour.” “I was,” answered Mo cautiously but openly, “the situation was dismissed along with all the other shallow unloving behaviour of my student friends. I am not proud of the way I was, I was immature – there were other behaviours far worse. But that was student, I am completely different now.” He thought of mentioning his Release but didn’t trust this man with that understanding. “It seems you are continuing that student behaviour into adulthood,” provoked Sanim “your relationship with Chami was a continuation of your sexual exploitation of women in the same way you conducted yourself as a student. How many women have you had relationships with?” Mo was flabbergasted at this aggression. It was 10 years since he had been reported as a student, and the last 2 years he had been completely faithful to Chami. In the year or two previous to Chami, he had been actively seeking love, had two relationships which turned out mutually to have no depth, and for the rest of the time his life was concerned with his Release and his subsequent following of the path. And yet Sanim wanted to classify him as exploiting women. He was extremely angry but had learnt enough of conformity to know that he had to be careful. Feeling like belting out a tirade at this obsequy, he let his wisdom control him – this enler was looking for dirt to fit an agenda, an agenda Mo was not sure about. Calming himself down he fashioned a construct of his life that had some truth and which he hoped would be plausible. “After qualifying I took a job that I soon realised was unsuitable. I realised that I wanted to work in a caring profession, and spent my time on that vocation. After teaching for 3 years, I began dating teachers. I had two sexual relationships that didn’t work out, and then my relationship with Chami. At no time have I exploited women. Except as a student, and it is my understanding that enlers do not hold indiscretions of young and immature institutional males against them - because at that time they are learning to cope with their growing physical awareness. Why are you bringing this up - in this way?” Mo asked, holding back the adjective aggressive amongst other more inflammatory words. Mo knew that if that was all Sanim was basing his accusation on, he could expose him for bias – if forced to. “So you are describing yourself as a committed teacher even to the extent that you seek a teacher partner,” asked Sanim barely hiding his disbelief. “Indeed,” answered Mo hopefully cutting this system apologist off, he thought successfully as there was a pause. “Your parents lived together happily all their lives with a little help from our service,” Sanim changed his questioning. And now Mo understood his mother’s warning even more, she didn’t want him to talk of the family home either. It was almost like she was saying “Don’t trust them”. Mo agreed to comply with his mother’s wishes even though he was not sure what had happened between her, his father and the enlers. Understanding came to him, she had not been happy with the enlers even though she always presented their intervention in a positive way – to keep them off her back, he realised. “They always seemed happy to me,” answered Mo as if his mother wrote the script “there was a time of difficulty apparently, they visited the enlers and things were then OK.” “How did you feel when your mother and father were working with the enlers?” asked Sanim. What’s he looking for? Some kind of childhood problem that was leading to sexual exploitation of women in adulthood? He was not going anywhere near there with this man. “I never knew my parents had sought love counsel until my mother told me when we went for support concerning my intense shyness as a teenager,” answered Mo hoping this covered over family cracks. In the silence Mo watched as Sanim went through some form of evaluation. Sanim was looking at his pad, were there notes, a checklist? After a while he stood up with his professional smile “Thank you, Mokeroha, for coming in. We are always sad when a loving relationship cannot be reconciled, and it is our job to investigate.” That had the ring of the professional manual, apparently sincere, totally shallow, and covering his back if later held accountable. Mo answered without any sense of honesty “We all have our jobs to do.” They shook hands and Mo went for a walk. This man, Sanim, presumably Narcu, all enlers?, were his enemy, he must never forget that. They were not Dogmatons but to him they were because they didn’t understand him. He was different, non-conforming; they wanted love – a commitment to a loving relationship, such relationships bringing stability to society. Enlers liked to say that love and creativity were tyhe cornerstones of Yoxa society after eschewing the Dogmatons, but enlers still had some Dogmaton in them. Mo was a loving person; with deep conviction he knew that ever since his Release, they couldn’t tell him any different – he was loving. But his Release had brought with it the path, the path was love, but for Mo this love had not happened fully yet. Narcu as an enemy was not a problem but Sanim clearly had some power and was a danger. As he had climbed the ladder he must have presented papers, talked at conventions - whatever; there would be an online presence. He found a book “Promiscuous men, men who cannot love”. He had to know his enemy so he read the book and it all became clear. To begin with he had time for Sanim as the book was well written and the authorhad accumulated a number of case studies supporting his theme. Mind you, that was not hard. Men had a history of promiscuity, at times such men had even convinced society that it was natural for them to “wander” – as they put it; even apparently convincing some women it was natural for men to have multiple partners. But the patriarchy was supposed to have been long gone, and Sanim amongst others argued that in these more enlightened times promiscuity and their feeble excuses ought not to be tolerated. Whilst Mo agreed with this he knew Sanim had gone too far because of the way he had been treated. Recalling a slogan from history – intolerant Dogmatons should not be tolerated, he knew it was meant as irony at the time but clinging to “ideals” was a yoxa weakness. Mo continued to read, found agreement, and was becoming more concerned as to the dangers of this man. Then he came to a case study of a young man who was intensely shy as a teenager, had turned to drug abuse, and become addicted to promiscuity. So Sanim was stereotyping, and that eased Mo’s mind; he was far from this stereotype – not now being shy because of the Release and no drug abuse now. If I had continued my student life ...., reflected Mo, but he could argue strongly against this stereotyping Dogmaton of an enler. But the problem melted away temporarily. With Chami moving back to her hometown, she was not pressuring via Narcu. And Mo stopped looking for romantic love for a while. He had loved Chami, even when they were drifting apart he enjoyed being with her and for a while no woman matched her. Finding someone didn’t matter so much to him .... until Piani. Piani ended romantic love in his life, and when he was able to work this out he would always be grateful to her. But for a number of years she made his life miserable. Piani latched onto him, and he quickly loved her vulnerability. Having just finished a relationship she was alone when he met her. She admired him, his work, and his talk of Release; she felt safe with his strength. Putting these together she pretended to love him. Mo’s life at that time had been building up to Piani, and he completely fell for her. He knew she was rebounding but lived with that, because he was in love he must unequivocably accept all of her .... He loved her vulnerability and she played on it - naturally for her. But instead of loving him she began to use his love, and because he loved her he just saw this misuse as confusion trying to help her through it. A cycle of abusive behaviour developed. Piani discovered that she could misuse his love, he would still love her, and try to help her as he described it. This cycle just encouraged her manipulations, and his life became a rollercoaster based on her whim and moods. He would escape walking. Once in nature his mind would clear, and his Released spirit would assert itself. How could he justify spirit over the psychological problems Piani had? Yet deep down he knew spirit was more important. He would go home and hope she would come round, she did love him after all - she told him so often. For two years this cycle continued, until Mo took a walking holiday on his own. Whilst away he had worked out a way in which he could gain some sanity from the rollercoaster. And he put it to her that he could stay with her if she worked with him to end this rollercoaster. A long while later they communicated briefly and she didn’t recall this talk of a "rollercoaster strategy", because her vanity couldn’t get beyond the fact that he was thinking of leaving her. They parted. He had always thought of teaching in an environment where his vocation was more respected, and so he left to do just that. As he got off the plane he breathed in the air and the heat, and realised that there was far more than Piani that had been restricting him. He had needed to get away from the influence of his background, upbringing, his home society and cotla. Even though he carried the pain of Piani with him for years, his vocation flourished. There was a new freedom in his life, a freedom brought about by travel. Even though there had been the Release, in the society of his birth he was surrounded by the conditioning continually trying to suck him back into the restrictions of his youth. His Release resisted this retrogressive detraction but it was a conscious pressure; once he had travelled most of that pressure was gone. But he hadn’t resolved Piani and the pain she had caused him was hindering his personal growth – and he hadn’t had a relationship since her. Beginning to realise how he had internalised the pain, shadow was beginning to show its face, a face with no awareness, no understanding and internalised pain needing to express itself. Only later in life did he understand shadow, but for then something was emerging and he realised that it was internalised pain. One night he decided to relive the pain. Feeling the pain was attached deep in his stomach and digestive system, he sought it out. Sending his mind within he consciously released any pain that was somewhere attached, and with each release he felt his hurt and the way Piani had manipulated him. As he watched her hurt him he cried, and that crying was healing. Seeking his love for her and her love for him he tried to resolve the pain, and then finally with one huge release the pain subsided – she had never loved him, she had always used him. Crying at his ignorance he then cried at his relief; the need for romantic love had gone. Then thank you, Piani, he thanked her for ridding him of this need, yet love had survived - at that time he couldn’t completely forgive her for the pain. But his gratitude was strong, it had taken a lot to rid him of the notions of cosmic romantic love. Now for the enlers, he thought, and he laughed at himself. That thought of enlers brought him back to his kuk room. Piani had brought him so much pain it had been hard for him to see through it. The need for romantic love had gone - although he felt he was open for a loving relationship; this "cosmic drive" had been gone for a long time, he knew. But he always associated its leaving as a consequence of Piani’s behaviour; he had loved her and she had dumped on him – that was his usual working summary. But now in hindsight it was time to go beyond the pain. There was gratitude that she had ridden him of the need for romantic love but there was more to this gratitude – there was more to this pain. Here in the kuk it was time for him to tease it out. What was he doing in the kuk? What was all this reflection? There was more to be teased out, he wasn’t understanding fully. What .... fully? What did he not understand about Piani .... fully? She had caused him pain, step back from the pain, step back from blaming Piani. How had she ended his romantic love? She had hurt him but love was strong and could bounce back. So blaming her was not enough. He had loved her so much but she never loved him and just used him. He remembered their love-making and how it changed. She was so demanding, and to begin with he didn’t care – he just loved loving her. But over time that love-making changed. He still felt he loved her but what was all this physical indulgence? Spiritually he needed to develop, why was this love-making so physical? Was this being a good lover? Conscious of the need to be a good lover, the cotla made sure of that in his upbringing, conscious of meeting the needs of his partner, he was happy to do that. But it just got more and more physically indulgent .... and he began to step back from it. Because Paini had made him suffer, he had associated this indulgence as a weakness in her. It was, he realised, but it was also a weakness in him. That felt partially correct, he was missing something and delved deeper. Yes her indulgence was misplaced but if he loved her what did that matter? It hadn’t mattered at the beginning. Did he enjoy the love-making? He loved her, of course he did. Be more discerning less emotional, came a thought. He loved her, he enjoyed making love for himself, but .... the love-making was a duty he carried out for her. When his passion was at its highest, he didn’t care what he did for her. But as the passion diminished and the love became just romantic, the love-making became a duty. And when she wanted to take it further, he wasn’t interested. So physically we were not compatible. It’s more than that, came another thought. Her indulgence was not about compatibility, that was ego – a weakness. But what was it for him? MY LOVE WAS NOT JUST FOR PIANI. What the hell was that? Here in the kuk, he was saying his love was not just for Piani. He had loved her .... He had loved Chami .... He had loved Saskira .... And he had even loved his college beauty in an unfulfilled way .... His love was not just for them. He paused, what did all that mean? His love was not just for them. He paused, this was good but hard. That’s not all. He paused – recovering. He was lying on the bed, this was taking it out of him. Turning over he paused. Is that all?, came back at him. His women, they were not all, his love was not just for them, it was for ALL. He loved these women but his love was never meant for them, it was meant for all. Why was he not always looking for women to love? Because he was loving all, he was loving in his teaching, compassion in his daily life. He loved all, his love was for all – not for one. He had loved Piani, thinking she was the Cosmic, the one the enlers would want for him; but she was not. He was wrong, it was not because of the pain that she had ended romantic love for him; she had shown that he was never meant for romantic love. They all had shown him this. Even the enlers had shown him although they didn’t want to, they knew that he didn’t fit their mould. Sanim saw Mo as the shy promiscuous drunk but he was so wrong. Seeing the danger for the enlers, he doubted whether they would have such an awareness. His love was dangerous to Sanim and any of the vestiges of love characterisation enlers might cling to - enlers who had inherited the Dogmaton. Being different, his love was for all – not for one. After Release he had studied, reading of Yoxa who talked of the path. Most just spoke of the path of love; this path seemed to fit the romantic love of the enlers. But he remembered one writer who was different. This writer had described the impossibility of romantic love. At the time he had thought, how could that be? But that was when he loved Saskira, so he ignored it. Yet he hadn’t because here in the kuk he had remembered what had been written – the impossibility of romantic love. He laughed to himself, will this book be in the cotla library? He could see it so clearly, his love was for all, and romantic love was impossible. The real question now, is that true for you or for everyone? And he fell asleep. When he awoke his thoughts went back through his journey with women. Whilst romantic love had ended with Piani he had not finished with women, he realised that there were times when living with her that he had enjoyed the comfort. And the women of the country he was in were comfortable. He felt that it might be possible to have a comfortable relationship if they were both open and honest. In the kuk, he smiled at his dick-led delusion. Amongst teachers there was always discussion of love, it was core to their curriculum. Most teachers like the enlers promoted romantic love, and some were suspicious of his single status. Seeing in him his vocation they placed their suspicions in abeyance. They had recognised that there were stages of romantic love starting with the initial passion and later stabilising in mutual comfort and respect. Whilst he knew there couldn’t be romantic love for him, he was still loving and compassionate. Would that be a basis for a mutually comfortable relationship? Would respect develop leading to a form of muted love? Those were his rationalisations - or rather the dick-led justifications. Maybe it could have worked but not with the choices that came his way. I should phrase that more honestly, the choice I made. It was not love because romantic love had ended. And the next strongest attraction for Mo was not comfort but lust, but his lust wanted comfort. The essence of such a comfortable relationship had to be honesty and trust as there was no love present. She was not honest with herself nor with him and by the end he was almost completely certain that comfort was not a way forward either. Again he could look at her behaviour and see verbal dishonesty but he only later faced his own delusion – if there is no love it can’t work. He deluded himself that if he offered her comfort and a home it could work, but maybe she sought love – or would need to seek love. It was not stable. Somehow within her own anguish she knew that he could not be trusted. At the time he resented being thought of as untrustworthy but in reality she was right, he just could not see it then because of who Tinitia was. And now sat in the kuk he knew how right she was. Of course she was not honest and all that, but she had a right to assume that he wanted romantic love – or the comfort he spoke of. But that was not what drove him, what drove him was love for all. Ever since his Release that love for all was what was driving him, that was his quest, his path; no romantic love would get in the way of that no matter how much he temporarily believed in the love. When Sanim was suspicious of him he was right, but his reasoning was completely wayward because he could not understand path – or quest for the path. Then a deep sadness overwhelmed him and a deep sob tried to force its way out. He had thought he was offering romantic love except to Tinitia at the end – and except as a student. He thought he was offering them the love they wanted. But that was far from true. He began to SEE what he was offering them, and sadly it was not what had been wanted. This became clear when he picked up an old NaAgual text - "Na'Agual Love: Love that SEEs in Daily Life". This ancient wisdom promoted love in the way Gurudasa had, in the way the Cotlas claim they do. All is love. But for some, counselling had changed over time and had lost this understanding; it had become a focus on romantic love - it had become a focus on relationship. Now for most Yoxa relationship was their main context in daily life - but not for all. But relationship and love are not always the same, cotlas knew this but their focus on romantic love began to miss the problems. In relationship there are individuals, and for relationship to flourish so must the individuals. But there was often a huge disconnect in these relationships - the disconnect between who the individuals were and how they were perceived by the partner. And there was another disconnect between who the individual was and how they perceived themselves. "For Na'Agual love first Yoxa must SEE themselves and each other, once SEEn romantic love can be real". He thought back to the meetings with Chami, when had Narcu or Sanim questioned perceptions. Sure they asked what was wanted from the relationship but never were Chami or Mo asked about how they saw themselves, and definitely they were never asked whether Chami saw Mo the way he saw himself - and vice versa. Effectively the work of the cotlas was manipulating images - the false images of Chami and Mo and the relationship between them. When relationships go wrong it is because the images are so far from reality, and the cotlas try to patch up these fantasms. The cotla counsellors were only doing what they were trained to do - they were not trained in SEEing. Meeting the relationships based on false perceptions the enlers patched up those perceptions. He liked that. Cotlas patched perceptions. But when he was with Chami Mo did not SEE himself well, his perception was far from who he was. Although he had felt Release there was still much he had to learn of himself; at that time he was still ignorant of who he was - he was still ignorant of his own search for spiritual love. That was it. All along he was only trying to find his love for ALL – spiritual love. His delusion that he was offering romantic love was not of his making - society and cotlas wanted this. Where he had arrived in spiritual love was the truth - this is what he could now SEE, it was what nature had intended for him, there was no doubt about that; he had complete faith in that reality. Could he have arrived there in a less hurtful way? He couldn’t answer that, that was beyond him. But once the deep sob gave way, there was huge gratitude to the women who had brought him to this realisation. No more would he feel anger at the pain Piani caused or the suffering of Tinitia’s deceptions or the timelines that kept he and Chami apart. Huge gratitude because all had led to this spiritual love, where he was meant to be, and where he was going to go further. Next/Contents