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2.6) The Desire

If he had hoped that that was the end of the bullets to the brain it showed even more that he did not understand such primitive motherhood, a primitivity that had no respect for love. Motherhood after all was duty, hard-wired deep-rooted instinct - but still duty; not love that was union. Insight did not come to a mother because she bore children; she just fulfilled Gaia’s duty – Gaia’s most important duty nevertheless. Of course that duty was the most powerful instinct that exists, as Corders had found to his cost.

But UG had learnt that duty was only there for the immature, and whilst it was good discipline it was still only instinct – hard-wired by Gaia to help the vulnerable cope before they mature. For the mature life needs to be concerned with creativity and insight. Perhaps his isolation on this desolate planet had led him into an over-estimation of these Gaia-favs. Clearly Aldris did not value truth, and more importantly she was able to disrespect love – that ultimate experience, that experience which the mature have come to value as the most meaningful. Corders knew that she would suffer as a consequence of her actions but in a world as desolate as theirs that suffering might well go unnoticed.

But although Corders now saw all this in Aldris his love for her was still strong – though beginning to be undermined. His insight had been under attack for two years, and now he was leaving his insight vulnerable through his love. He risked sinking, sinking without trace. There was a balance, would he ennoble her or would she drag him down? Would he know when it was too late?

After the initial trauma they setup home, and Corders lost sight of his brief. She had separated from Kindo, from the village, from the life she had known, from all that conditioned her. For the immature, separation from the conditioning environment is like removing the foundations of a house, there appears to be a stable structure but in reality that structure had the likely potential to collapse. Somehow Corders needed to provide new foundations, foundations that would guide towards maturity, to the independence that is provided by creativity and insight. But overcoming the conditioning that would be hard – so hard.

He cursed the ruai and what they had done to this planet. Even though Gaia was beginning to help her favourites what appeared as maturity in Aldris and the other couples was more a reaction to the repression the ruai had created. It was not the balanced normal development of maturity, the repression had forced evolution to mutate the timeline in the hope of surviving the ruai restriction. This had fooled Corders and he should have known better; of course his love had fooled him. Yet he still loved her, such love was not transient even it could not be lived with because of baggage.

For a while there was a degree of stability as Corders began to provide an environment that was potentially maturing. But he saw too much of the conditioning in the children and the mother’s duty protected them, she could not see this was not love. The whole reason of her subterfuge was to free her babies, but she brought the prison with her and her babies continued to be imprisoned. Of course the fact that the planet was a prison of wage-slavery did not help any process of ennobling and maturity.

Once they got used to the stable environment then the questions started – the complaints, the desire for the conditioning. And there was no appeal, no wider wisdom that could help Corders when the personal took over. The conditioned were all around – in fact in some ways Aldris had been overcoming conditioning in their village. That didn't help. Because there were those who connected they had developed an ego, this ego because they were on the Path. Unfortunately this ego lacked humility, and got in the way of recognising the Path in others, and in recognising how much further they had to go. When Aldris began to desire her conditioning Corders would argue for maturity but because she did not know what it was she only saw from her frame of reference, her family and the couples in the village. And her desires brought out resistance.

“The children need to see their father,” she said ignoring the consequences.

This had the same tone he had experienced at the craft. There was a finality that could not be questioned. It was a finality that felt it was completely right because it was motherhood. It bolstered no reason but unlike wisdom it was not beyond reason; it was a raw stubbornness based on an absolute faith in her own rectitude. It was a tone he hoped he would never hear again because it was a tone that felt it could defy disaster.

He then began to listen to the justifications of these desires. “Her father loves them, they love him ….,” she started, but he switched off. This was not reason but justification. There was no discussion just a façade of apparent rationale. There could be no logical point and counterpoint and balanced weighing of the discussion because the result could not be questioned. This was egoic instinct with total control for whom wisdom had no meaning. The discussion was not asking for opinion as there was no listening, time was just being spent going through the motions of discourse. The imposed axiom was that of motherhood, and that axiom was presumed to be wise – as opposed to being deeply ingrained instinct. If only she knew she could be a mother through wisdom not instinct; that was Gaia’s way – motherhood that was not fighting adversity.

The children were going to see their father – live with it.

There were less variables if the father was brought to the children, and that meant Corders must return to the village. Psychologists had realised that daytrips were beneficial so the ruai had designated margates where people could visit. Corders had visited these margates and had found that although they were monitored, that monitoring did not exist far beyond the provided entertainment areas so he had been there and walked beyond the measure of the meggers. That was where he would bring Kindo to meet his family.

Bringing Aldris and her babies to the margate, he told them to walk to the meeting point, a place their vehicle could not reach. He then drove on to the village. From his hide he reached out to Kindo but he could not make contact. What was happening? Then he knew, he was being dragged down. He had assumed his love for Aldris would connect him with Kindo but he had become tainted and could not make the connection.

Returning to the margate he walked out to the meeting point alone, and he could feel the disappointment in the children – and see Aldris’ anger. “We will go to the village now, you will bring him to the fence,” he told them finally - ignoring his own wisdom “and then I can connect and bring him to you.”

This was obviously not a good idea as the guardians would be surveilling him closely. “You are wise and off-world,” she said bitterly “you can cope with these primitive machines.” Listening to this just brought him sadness, his love was being attacked by so much baggage.

At the hide Aldris connected to Kindo. “Darling,” she announced.

He recoiled, it was such a long time since contact. Then she felt his anger that he immediately tried to cover up. “What is happening?” he asked trying to work on his detachment.

“I have so much to tell you,” she continued “but first can you come and meet the kids?”

“What do you mean “can I”?” he snapped back at her “They are my kids – our kids. Of course I want to see them.”

“Can you avoid the Guardians and come out to the fence?” she asked.

“I can,” he answered slowly “but how can that help?”

“It will,” she said with confidence. That was enough.

He walked out to the fence, and through connecting she guided him around the fence whilst Corders checked for the presence of guardians. Surprisingly there was no guardian activity surrounding him. Using the same subterfuge of animal tunnel they reached the exit point, and Aldris told him to come out. He hesitated, “it’s safe” she said as Corders neutralised the dead bolt. She stood up and he saw her running over to her. She held out her arms, he shrugged her off and asked for the children. They jumped out and he rushed over hugging both of them in his arms.

Corders kept out of sight and watched on feeling shame, it was wrong for him to have been a part in breaking this bond. His love was real but because he had misjudged her maturity it had to be sacrificed now; he had been feeling love could not survive her baggage but seeing this family bond amongst immatures brought home how great his mistake – no misjudgement love could never be a mistake.

Whilst Kindo was with his children Corders called over Aldris – he wanted to see her one last time. On her way she noted that Kindo barely glanced at her leaving.

For the last time Corders took hold of her, she resisted slightly – looking around for Kindo, and then melted slightly “All of you go back into the village,” he told Aldris “I will make it right”, he released her and turned and walked away before she could answer.

No, she thought. Then she wanted to shout it at him, but he was long gone. And he had broken contact. She kept trying to find him but to no avail. The family of four just sat together, and the children were so happy with their father. Then Sando asked his mother “where is Corders?”

Truthfully she answered “I don’t know!”

“Who is Corders?” came Kindo’s obvious question, and she explained their story – all of it.

“And he has just left you?” he finished.

“It seems like it,” she answered unsure of anything now. “He said he will make it alright if we go back in. I’m sure he can.”

“Then we go back inside,” he said to her “and hope the guardians will still be friendly.”

“No,” she replied determinedly “I left because I wanted our babies to be free. Come with me and we can make them free.” He looked at her determination, looked at the fence, and he thought he could try.

Corders walked inside the fence to give himself up. He knew he was a far greater prize to these guardians than Aldris and her children taking temporary flight. Once inside the guardians would allow these couples to get back to their normal ways whilst this new prize was studied.

But he had misjudged her yet again.