This might not go anywhere because it is concerned with Teal, relationships and therefore young people. But as with anything Teal it is worth investigating. With that investigation grew a personal reflection on relationships as discussed by Teal, and from that personal reflection grew this impersonalised zeersight.
When we consider changing relationships we have to be talking patriarchy, as patriarchy places so many restrictions on relationship and of course is inimical to love as discussed throughout here. Whilst Teal might well accept this inimicality, it is not a position she takes in her advice. And for young hopeful people, seeing all of the overarching patriarchy is perhaps not a useful burden.
Living the Change
Zandtao listened to Teal's talk on "Changing Relationships", this zeersight developed from that talk. For his first take zandtao feels he has lived the change - with a path proviso. We must start with unconditional love - mother love at birth. From this purity upbringing develops conditions, we learn forms of compatibility that enable love in our upbringing. Sadly however many of those compatible conditions are imposed by parents and then society, and whilst these conditions can be seen as beneficial in the long run because they arise from the Sacred Wound they do not necessarily contribute to romantic love.
Let us start by considering an upbringing that has been societally successful, so the child develops self-esteem. Then out of this upbringing - in terms of sis roles - a man will find compatibility with a woman who has a similar self to the mother, similarly with father-daughter he presumes; zandtao is unable to say concerning relationships with other genders.
For zandtao self-esteem did not arise from upbringing, and he was fortunate to have a breakdown that confronted this at 23. This left his primary relationship as Unity and Unconditional Love, and therefore his path through relationships was loving but not for life. As he passed through his life dedication to the path led to abidance, and abidance is not compatible with romantic relationships. In relationship zandtao could only ever be temporarily compatible because as time went on his path would develop - usually leading to romantic divergence. It is conceivable that people following paths can have such mutually similar paths that there is convergence throughout their lives ie the unconditional love of the path and romantic love can be so similar that compatibility arises naturally - but with this zandtao would worry about ego compromises; it never happened for him.
Living as Sangha
When we consider a relationship around the path then Unity occurs through the graces. As the path is dedicated to the promotion of grace there might be a Sangha choice in living together - Sangha choice effectively meaning living through graces, and that in that living together partners can accept mutual duties concerning daily life - what Teal talks of as needs see below. The Buddha set out a vinaya of rules for Sangha but genuine individuals on the path can conceivably resolve a life of dedication plus duties; zandtao could not find such a resolution in relationship.
Patriarchy changing romantic love
But for most people spirituality is not an issue in relationship, they are attempting to find romantic love, and this is what Teal addresses. And it is romantic love relationships that are changing because of patriarchy. Essentially relationships are forced to be temporary because of the requirements of wage slavery. Patriarchy’s employer requires control of the two people in relationship as wage-slaves, yet how rare is it for that control to enable a lifetime commitment of partnership? The Hollywood “1950’s Miss Dove delusion” of couples in homes for life bringing up a family leading to an extended family has been ended by the patriarchy; the delusion that Trump propounds has been ended by the very people Trump has allied himself with - the Christian Nationalists. The super-rich Christian Nationalist might be able to create that extended family for themselves but they cannot do it for their wage-slaves - not practical within the necessary daily expenditure in today’s patriarchy. These policies benefit only the few who can have some control of their lives within the patriarchy.
For those with self-esteem there needs to be a change from the Hollywood delusion. Compatibility needs to be examined as a priority leading to a transactional agreement - as discussed below based on Teal’s clip of being consciously transactional.
His dysfunctional relationships
Part of the H(B/N)ollywood delusion is maintaining relationships for their own sake because that is a recognised social success. These relationships become dysfunctional as Teal describes here. At [4.18] she defines dysfunctionality and then describes 6 dysfunctional relationships at [4.44] ( - check 4.44 in vid clip or [4.44] formatted text in transcript - use outline).
At this point zandtao looked at the dysfunctional relationships in his life - his own dysfunctional relationships and that of his parents; the example of his parents could easily have been one of Teal’s “six”. His examination was excluded because personal. Zandtao accepts that his upbringing was his Sacred Wound, and he still learns from this Holy Khandha.
All relationships are transactional
In this clip Teal talks about all relationships as being transactional - consciously transactional. At [3.00] she indicates 6 points to be aware of concerning these transactional relationships, and zandtao will be considering a love and needs audit from point 6. In the dysfunctional relationships described here at [4.44], love and needs were not being met, and there was compromise - usually the woman compromising to make a home.
Love and needs audit
So what is this love and needs audit? This is not from Teal. With the spiritual path spiritual love becomes a priority. In his relationships bill was searching for romantic love, and in retrospect that was reclaiming unconditional love - spiritual love or mother love; romantic love was a stepping stone. For this reason, however functional a relationship was to begin with, it was likely to end up as finishing - dysfunctional. Bill genuinely loved but in terms of longevity he offered nothing because of his dedication to path.
In romantic love the love component is met in the loving relationship, but this romantic love can never be as complete as spiritual or unconditional love. For anyone searching for spiritual love they know that dedication is the priority, can one abide within a relationship? Zandtao could not but he does not rule it out. For the 3 relationships bill experienced romantic love, there was a temporary coincidence with his path - a coincidence of romantic love and spiritual love. There are love and needs components in his loving relationships, and zandtao went on to do this audit which is of course personal. Bill’s romantic love did not make wise choices, and that fits in with his path:-
Zandtao - path that leads to consciously-evolving-consciousness hidden in rural Thailand
Romantic love has no place in this description of his path. It is conceivable that a relationship can fulfil needs associated with the daily life of consciously-evolving-consciousness, but this is one-sided so can it fulfil needs of another? Such a love-needs audit would have to be carefully evaluated to see if the paths of both partners could be fulfilled. For zandtao it would simply be worry - what did he offer her?
Love does not conquer all
Romantic love conquers all, this was one of bill’s unwise approaches that led to pain. Before starting one relationship bill had accepted “love conquers all”. He resolved that he would deal with all her needs. But her needs were devouring, and gradually ate away at the strength of his love. This was not transactionally-conscious of his own needs, and love did not have the strength to cope. Because of her overpowering needs he has since questioned whether she loved him, something he can still not answer.
In her love and needs audit as part of being consciously transactional Teal places all her focus on needs [13.26 onwards]. Zandtao does not like this but when he examines his most loving relationship it failed because of needs - her needs were impossible for bill. Love did not matter in the failure of the relationship.
When we see success in marriages we broadly see alliances within culture and class. When people marry within culture and class needs are being met, the culture and class define those needs and because of upbringing those needs are met. Love is not necessarily a factor in marriage success. When marriages are arranged they have a greater chance of success than marriages based on love (zandtao thinks this is statistically born out). Zandtao has seen the familial culture of arranged marriages hold everything together.
Why does love matter?
If needs hold a relationship together what does love matter? Why does he rail against patriarchy when there is a suggestion that only needs matter. Needs are often cultural so in terms of relationship adhering to patriarchy is what matters. Why does love matter?
Zandtao asked this question but Teal is not saying love does not matter. What she is saying is that needs have to be met for a relationship to work, for a relationship to work love does not matter. For a relationship to work there needs to be conscious transactional understanding of needs. But love is what matters, it is just that love cannot happen if needs are not met. To develop love we must first attend to our needs.
Bill’s spiritual love was stronger than any romantic love. Love cannot conquer all but love is priority for humanity. To develop love - to develop humanity - to consciously-evolve-consciousness, we must enter relationships with needs being met, then love can flourish. For love’s sake be consciously transactional.
In this way romantic love can mature into spiritual love. Romantic love brings people together. If they can then meet each other’s needs then as they mature romantic love can become spiritual love. But that would require both partners moving to path.
Well-being - the needs of the vihara
Vihara is a spiritual term referring to the vehicle of the spirit. For those following a traditional path we “purify” the vihara to enable spiritual development; spiritual development happens when the vehicle is purified - when the vehicle is in harmony - when the needs of the vihara have been met. Another way of seeing the vihara is the khandhas - kaya, vedana, sanna, sankhara, their required consciousness and the holy khandha. When the needs of the khandhas are met then consciousness can evolve - we reconnect with the Dhamma.
It is important to understand that through bhavana the khandhas have less and less needs. Needs are a dynamic not a static state, and needs are not a spiritual objective. Spiritually we seek the development of the graces - tathata and the 5 Dhamma comrades - mindfulness/sati, love/karuna, wisdom/panna, concentration/samadhi and embodiment/sampajanna. Through the bhavana of our path we attach less and less to the khandhas and become more a vihara for the graces.
Where does relationship fit in with this? As an objective it does not, however relationship can be a good way of surviving patriarchy. If we are consciously transactional in relationships then well-being happens because needs are being met. However there is inherent instability in relationship if it is not recognised that spiritually we let go of needs as we develop spiritually. If both partners have this recognition and are attempting to live a spiritual life then there is no reason for the relationship to provide for the needs of the daily life of the spiritual.
When we enter into relationship we need to be consciously transactional, as we develop we also need to recognise the change in these needs as they are let go as there is spiritual development. Resistance to this change will lead to break-up if there is strong spiritual aspiration. Zandtao never found a relationship where there was consciously transactional meeting of needs, let alone the release of such needs with the bhavana of spiritual development. Ultimately this is Sangha - meeting the needs of daily life to enable spiritual development.
It is perfectly natural to seek well-being in relationship, but can such relationship be strong enough to allow for the bhavana that develops towards increasing spiritual development?
Love needs and patriarchy
It is because of the inimical relationship between love and patriarchy that relationship has such difficulty in spiritual development. But fundamentally patriarchy cannot work with spiritual development because abidance and wage-slavery are not compatible. A wage-slave is controlled by the need for money yet abidance only has the minimal needs of unattached khandhas. Relationships that have a conscious transactional coping of needs can help both partners through the worst of wage-slavery but to do this the relationship needs this conscious transactional process as well as the recognition of wage-slavery. In this way the spirituality that is love can develop in a needs-satisfied relationship, however walking this tightrope is difficult as it goes against the fundamental slavery of patriarchy. But seekers can support each other in a relationship that is both consciously transactional whilst following the path.
But at its basis patriarchy creates delusion around love. With the media approach of H(B/N)ollywood love, patriarchy presents love as conquering all, as such love can be blamed when patriarchy’s slavery creates so many demands that make relationship so difficult. The demands of wage-slavery are always in conflict with the needs of relationship, and seekers need to emphasise their own needs above the demands of wage-slavery if at all possible. A seeker dedicated to the path recognises this and can deal with it in solitude, but perhaps conscious relationship can help provide well-being leading to spiritual development.
Value, Love and Needs
“The realization that can change your life, is that value is entirely based upon needs” from here. Zandtao has a serious problem with this but it arose when Teal was talking of self-esteem - “the core of that low self-esteem is the feeling of not being valued”. Prior to upheaval bill was numb and had minimal self-esteem, post-upheaval bill valued the path above all else. For a while it was all he valued, seeking value for bill in others was measured by their following of the path. As his 2nd childhood continued he began to discover how isolating this was esp given that compassion had taken him to teaching - he cannot recall any teacher who personally valued the path. By the time he met his 1st love he was beginning to see relationships in terms other than path.
The path “gave bill self-esteem” but self-esteem is not an appropriate description; from the outside bill appeared to have self-esteem but it would be better described as path-esteem. Path-esteem is an accurate description because bill had minimal needs concerning well-being. Post-upheaval he had minimal khandha needs, he was seeking cosmic love and had sexual needs; he did not have patriarchal needs as they were conditioning. But for a long time his needs were dominated by his alcoholism. He never met anyone with whom relationship might work, and such thoughts only arise in these reflective enquiries.
For bill the value of the path and path-esteem were his “needs” esp once he had stopped the addiction, and as far as he can see his addiction arose from the numbness of his upbringing and his need to be hidden. Ill health triggered the end of his addiction, but by then his lifestyle was less close to the path and he had accepted the non-path lifestyle. Alcohol was concerned with being “hidden”, it helped him hide as he began to cope with patriarchy and its restrictions on the path.
So for bill conscious transactional values in relationship based on needs simply did not happen because his needs were path and he had no self-esteem issues as he had path-esteem.
Hidden and Choices
Generally zandtao talks of bill not making wise choices but blame should not be attached to bill. Following upheaval bill got involved in the Arts scene. He sought women following the art path, so although their path gave some joy there was also pain because of the patriarchy. Maybe kamma could have given bill an arts partner? But he chose compassion and in teaching there was the vocation of compassion but not the path. As he became more immersed in teaching bill’s path became more and more hidden. He never met women who had chosen path - only the vocation of teaching.
He was hidden. He never stood up to be kalyana mitta during 2nd childhood because he was not capable of being so. But maybe he could have stood up more. His teachers are now women because of the love imbalance - Teal Swan and Nicola Amadora. Maybe there could have been “lesser” women on the path he could have had a relationship with if he was not hidden. But his path was hidden, and he chose the learning experiences to give him his path now because of hidden.
Don’t always blame bill for unwise choices.
Summary
Bill started in his adult life knowing permanent relationships could be dysfunctional but in truth he did not see that lack of function relating to the majority; for the majority he was just looking at the systemic dysfunction he now calls patriarchy. For bill personally, relationships were dysfunctional anyway because of the numbness from upbringing - a product of his Sacred Wound that included dysfunction. As he worked his way through relationship in his 2nd childhood - learning relationship lessons including those normally learnt in adolescence, he began to understand the need for being consciously transactional concerning needs. This conscious transaction was not to enable love but what remained after the rejection of romantic love, however he can see this needs consciousness as being a prerequisite for love in a relationship because love cannot conquer all.
Can relationships lead to the nuclear family and be functional? Possibly. But the dynamics within the nuclear family have changed because of patriarchal pressures - the demands of patriarchy for both partners to work. The demands by patriarchy on the nuclear family are more than just both partners working, they include long hours, migration and job-dedication all of which make relationships that much more difficult.
Given these additional pressures it is necessary for people entering relationship to be more consciously transactional in meeting their needs because the support structures of extended family and supportive community are not necessarily there any more. When it comes to such a needs audit an individual must determine what they value in themselves so that they can determine where this value can be met - how mutual self-esteems can be satisfied. How needs are valued and met is now more fluid - rather than just the nuclear family, gentleman’s club, sports, tupperware parties and shopping.
Romantic love can be the spark that creates the relationship but if there is not a conscious meeting of needs then love does not have the strength to maintain the relationship. However if needs are met then the spark of romantic love can become love akin to spiritual love - romantic love without attachments.
But all of this does not apply if an individual finds early in life they are dedicated to the path as such dedication can override all relationship influence.
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