The day had finally come and she was leaving uni - Unity School, she laughed at the simplicity of the name. Uni was created to bridge the gap with life outside - what Tabi saw as the real world. Was the real world as bad as her kalyams said? It can’t be, the feeling for her to get out into it was just so strong.

Even at uni she felt different but never as isolated as back home. Everything back home was just so normal. The community learning always stretched her so she never had to lie when her mother asked her “did you learn anything new about yourself today?” There was always something to enthuse about to her, and she felt good making her mother happy. But inside her there was an emptiness that she couldn’t explain - and the feeling was increasing as she grew through her teens.

“Today was good at school. They taught us about the forest, and we went out and chouai Tem showed us the things we had learnt from the screen,” said Tabi bubbling a bit. “But in the back of my mind there was something ….”, she trailed off.

As her mother began to investigate what was "in the back of her mind" she had freaked. Getting onto the learning adviser at the helpline she was told “bright kids often experience what they don’t know as a darkness or an emptiness. Is Tabi learning, does she come home excited about this or that?” he asked.

“Yes she does,” answered Tabi’s mum “I always ask and there’s always something she bangs on about - sometimes too much if I am tired but I always ask.”

“That’s good, you must always ask,” the adviser told her. “Do your best to cover any tiredness - eventually this emptiness will get filled when something really sparks her.”

When her Mum told her this, Tabi had listened carefully. Her Mum always talked about the learning, and Tabi always found something that sparked her a little but somehow it was never .... enough. After a while Tabi could see her Mum was upset about this emptiness in her so she stopped asking about it. And if her Mum asked her she would never lie but she played it down “It’s always there a bit but I’m not that worried about it - your man said it will go; in some ways it is getting less and less.” Her mother smiled. And whenever the mother asked, different kalyams and their chouais always said the same “they loved Tabi’s enthusiasm.” However mother-nature knew there was something but what could she say?

School was passing this way as Tabi became a success. The father beamed with pride, school felt fulfilled, whilst her mother's disquiet became hidden as Tabi disguised the emptiness with success. However the school put out a watch-word as they regularly did.

Tabi was clearly a potential community leader so the plans were for her move to community school. Of course in school she still shone - she shone because Tabi had found it the best place to hide. Why would anyone (except her mother she smiled to herself) question a student committed to success? She was scared about her hiding, why hide? She performed the way she was expected to. Kalyams stretched her - in fact she thought they were so good it helped her hide. They engaged her, they engaged with her; what was there to hide from? Yet somehow she knew she was hiding.

She was young when she found this hiding but not too young so she knew to hide it from her mother - not to worry her like the dark emptiness. She kept the hiding as a secret. It became something that day in the woods. She was with chouai Tem but they had separated - she had just wandered off to be alone with the wonder of the trees. "Look at them," she had said to Tem one day "just look up". She had moved to the tree and was hugging it - she could not see the top. "We are so small," she said to him as if it was something someone had said for the first time; he smiled at her. That day she felt the need to be alone, asked and wandered off. As she walked it felt as if there was nothing but Tabi in the forest; again she felt the smallness in a good way. The wind was whispering through the leaves and branches, and she felt presence - a full moment she had never felt before. But she was young - too young to yet know, it was just something new she felt being young. In this presence her mind became one with the whispering wind and there came a haunting you must know your hiding. She reacted, that was her secret yet the trees knew. She laughed at herself - the trees knew. But she never forgot the whispering wind - you must know your hiding. She was disturbed by Tem dutifully checking on her, looked at her armband, and told him how long she would be. When she arrived back he apologised and said it was time for them to return; she smiled, and with excitement spoke of the trees and the whispering wind. Internally he smiled with pride whilst she hid her secret, "we will come again" and she was excited; they did come again. That night before she fell asleep she heard the whisper haunting her, and slipped off to sleep as the whisper engaged with her unconsciously.

Moments like this began to increase for Tabi but she was confused to talk about it, she associated the present moments with the trees, the whisper and her hiding. But Tem was well trained and attuned. One day he taught her walking, she laughed at him when he told her he was going to teach her to walk - he didn't mind the mocking especially from Tabi.

"I want you to walk exactly the way I say," he said with surprising seriousness so Tabi dutifully followed to see what she could learn. "This is slow," continued Tem, "it is meant to be slow. Put your right foot forward - not like a giant normal and slow," he laughed at her; they laughed together. "Pause. Keep your attention and the left foot and place it slowly in front of your right foot. Pause. Keeping your attention on the right foot, bring it slowly through and then focus on the foot and ground at the point of contact. Continue walking in this way, and listen for what I tell you to turn." Part of her mind was mocking this but she tried to put all her attention to what Tem said because he had usually helped her. As she walked she was drawn deeper and deeper into the walking and her attention focussed on each step - on each detail. She stopped, she felt good - there was presence like there had been with the trees. She told Tem, and he smiled at her, giving her confidence that these feelings were not "crazy" - of course she didn't tell him of the secret.

As they finished Tem told Tabi "This is a good way to walk especially if stress is building up in you, as you give your full attention to the walking the stress will naturally leave - as it naturally came. You can pay attention to the walking in the forest, but you must pay attention to the forest as well. Difficult to balance - I usually stop, then walk, then stop …. at least for a while." From that day if she felt presence she did not question it, presence was natural - moments were natural. The whisper was natural?

Arriving back home she spent time with her mother - especially today as she did not seem tired. She felt good that Tem had ratified presence - she wanted to share this with her mother.

"Tem showed me this focused way of walking today, do you know it?" asked Tabi. Her mother's smile gave her confidence. "Whilst walking I felt strange - this presence, it felt good," she told her mother wanting to know that her mother understood this. Immediately her mother hugged her - perhaps overly, Tabi thought but she was so glad - a shared understanding.

"I remember the first time I felt presence - I was much older than you. I was with your father before - long before - we had agreed to start a family. We were camping. Food was over and we had cleared up. And we sat overlooking this lake - Matopos, have you been there with Tem?" She saw the unknowing shake of the head. "We were young getting to know each other so we were having a drink - I presume he was thinking of making love as I was. But at the same time I didn't want to, I wanted to be with him; somehow he seemed to sense this as well and we just sat there. I remembered reaching out to touch him then I pulled back - something in me said nothing physical. He looked at me quizzically, and I smiled trying to reassure him that it was good - it seemed to work.

"We were still together but my mind drifted away. It went upwards into the stars, looking around. Then from above I looked back at your father and I just sat there, it felt so weird - I - my mind - started to panic. But somehow I calmed down, and let myself fall into the watching. As my mind watched it just felt right, everything just felt so right. Your father and I. My watching from the stars, it all just fell into place. A perfect moment. And then it was gone, my mind wanted to come back, and as it did I started a bit. Your father looked at me, and I put my arm through his. He was reassured. His mind went back to where it had been, and I knew my future with him."

Tabi loved this story. She knew her parents were strong together but she had known none of this. She snuggled up to her mother, she wanted to talk of her secret but she knew she couldn't disturb her mother like that. She climbed deeper into her mother' aura, and they just sat there at peace together. An almost presence, Tabi smiled to herself.

It was not long before the first breaking of the double bind when Tabi was to go to community school. As natural there were the dual feelings of the bind, she wanted to grow and learn of the world but she still felt the need for the loving home. She had discussed this with her mother and Tem and occasionally a kalyam, and all said this was a natural break - and that she had to accept the pain. Her mother had simply told her her side "I don't want you to go but you must learn, you cannot learn closed off in our cosy home. And what of any Sacred Wound?"

"Sacred Wound, that is not something I have heard of," asked Tabi.

Her mother smiled and looked away - a sign for Tabi not to pursue. And she didn't - even forgetting the term.

When she left for community school there were tears - but no tears were resisting. As usual she shone at school - hiding in her shining, with apparent total engagement broken only by what she later knew as the watchword meeting.

She later realised how well it had been managed but at the time she experienced it as partial weirdness. She had been cajoled by her mates. Why did she stay in this dorm? Including Tabi there were 8 who lived together and shared the duties of living. Many times Tabi resented this sharing especially late at night but her mother had said to her to learn from the diversity of life .... this dorm was a huge "diversity" for Tabi.



Often it felt like she was simply tolerated because she was engaged with her studies but when she did allow herself to attend events she enjoyed their company. It was not that they weren't fun but for Tabi such fun was only occasional. They had spent so much time getting ready - such false "building-up" excitement meant nothing to her, and it was all part of being let down. Ostensibly such events were concerned with finding partners but for Tabi she was far too young - if at all. Her dorm were finding partners but in truth they did not know why - and she later learnt many people didn't find long-term partners at that age. At the time they knew it was discouraged - whatever that meant, but it was fun learning even though break-ups were painful. It all added to the "excitement" of these events. When the build-up started she often heard her mates were jaded but as things built up they hoped for fun, because she rarely went for Tabi they were actually fun.

Like Tabi her mates did not take substances for escape, the event was sufficient for that. And they avoided the few partners who did not have this discipline. It was not good, Tabi thought, when she met Largo who had imbibed. To be fair he was quite pleasant but immediately her barriers were up because he was not all there. However what was there was a bit stimulating.

"I have seen you, Tabi," he jollied at her "you are a high-flyer." She reacted to this but his smile was unwavering - she let it go. "It is good to have such clarity," he added. She smiled with a slight pause - avoiding what was hidden; Tabi was unaware but the pause was noticed. "Do you not know what you want?" she asked.

"I suppose so," he muttered quietly "I am doing what my parents want."

"That is not good, Largo," she told him with concern "we have to do what we want."

"Oh I agree, Tabi," he answered "but there are times when it is best to agree - not be totally forthright. Can you always be so certain?"

Again he noticed a pause. "I suppose not, it is worth questioning but we do need to be sure," she advised him "it is not good to hide things".

He smiled at her. "You are right, but path, purpose and embodiment are all so important," he pointed out unnecessarily.

"Agreed," she smiled at him, and tailed off. When she sat with her whisper these were questions she asked of herself, but at an event …. not really appropriate she thought. Mindfulness is needed to grasp these things - not superficial escapist settings.

Largo sensed this, and hearing a guffaw to his right turned to see some of her dorm-mates there. "They seem happy," he said to her glancing over at them.

"Yes they usually get involved and enjoy these events," she commented. He could see that there was little further understanding to be gained, and he asked her to dance - as was the habit. She accepted but was not interested. He then excused himself, and filing his report under "Keep Watching" returned to find her gone. He had others to monitor.