[Use of the term "Holy journey" begins; for zandtao his path or Holy journey now means looking into the Agape tradition to balance the wisdom tradition that amongst others gave him his practice. This Agape-quest is designated by the  in reflection contents.]
Caroline Myss speaks of a Holy journey; when zandtao looks at his own journey to the East and West there is a Holy aspect. Beginning in the West bill as a child rejected Catholicism. Even though there were two strong catholic figures in his family – the paternal grandmother and maternal grandfather, once life took bill’s nuclear family away from their place of birth that influence waned. However bill recalls very little spiritual conviction in that influence, it came across to the young bill as a ritual conviction meaning church on Sundays and a church first priority for Xmas. Once away from place of birth bill was placed in a catholic primary school, and does remember one Lent going to daily church and being given permission to eat breakfast in the classroom as a consequence. But the biggest catholic thing he remembers was one of the good things that came from his father. When his father was young he was sent to a catholic 2ndary school in Liverpool, this meant that everyday he had to cross the Mersey. His schoolfriends were in Liverpool, his faith was not his own, and it was a literal Sacred Wound. Bill remembers a difficult morning when the class announced which 2ndary school each student had applied for, and from recollection bill was the only one who said the local grammar school. Given that the school was 3 miles from his house the journey to school always figured high in bill’s recollection, but his friends were all within those 3 miles; the journeys to a catholic school were much further. On reflection zandtao thinks his father did not see the true source of his own lack of schoolfriends, the same wound of numbness that bill experienced. Because of this numbness and lack of love there was no deep friendship in his teens. Mixed in this travel decision was also his father’s lack of faith, his Christianity came from his mother but it was hers and not shared deeply.
At this stage in her life bill’s mother was suffering from the numb environment so whatever faith she had gained from her father was lost in that numbness. In this spiritual-lacking and catholic-lacking environment, bill’s Catholicism disappeared and for bill life was lived within a  until he converted to Buddhism at 50. This conversion was primarily when his path took him to a mid-life review and then he travelled to the Emerald Buddha and converted. By this time in his life he had experienced his trials and tribulations concerning romantic live as discussed in Real Love, but his maturity on the path had not developed that much from upheaval because he was in 2nd childhood. Although Buddhism started then he was still working, meditation had started but there was no real dedication to the path because of the time working – no abidance.
Out of his childhood grew a that took him East. There was no love of God (spiritual love - love of God) prior to his journey Eastwards, it was still failed romantic love. In this way it was easy for zandtao to slip into the wisdom tradition, and in the choice of Buddhadasa’s MwB (Mindfulness with Breathing) his practice was lacking some spiritual love until he crossed the threshold of autonomy. Then his Holy journey started to develop a love-wisdom balance that has eventually led to consideration of traditions and journeys East and West. In a sense zandtao now sees his Holy journey including going west – on to a balance of loving God – of unconditional love.
Some Buddhists might claim that there is unconditional love in Buddhism but with autonomy zandtao felt there was a lack of balance, amended Buddhadasa’s 4 Dhamma comrades to 5 Dhamma comrades (including love) that he also calls the 5 Graces, and amended Buddhadasa’s MwB so that the 2nd tetrad of vedana was governed by love and not calm – calm first then love. His Holy journey is now taking him to Agape traditions where there is a focus on love and bringing with that journey of love the grace of wisdom.
This brings up an interesting question for zanshadtao for eastern monks who cannot keep it in their pants. Previously zandtao had seen this as a weakness in discipline but it appears far deeper - it seems to stem from a lack of love in wisdom traditions. If MwB is an indication of wisdom practices, then lust and giving into lust is controlled by calming of the vedana. Yet love is far more powerful than such calming, and if love is not integrated to the path then such a seeker (whether Phra or not) will be vulnerable to romantic love and kamupadana. For such seekers they have not experienced and rejected the power of romantic love, they have not developed spiritual love from the weaknesses of parental and romantic love so they are still vulnerable to such coarser love – even if that love is only expressed through bonking. This is a spiritual weakness of wisdom traditions arising from spiritual bypassing amongst others.
When zandtao considers Nicola as a teacher, he sees a powerful and committed journey east and then a journey back west where she is focussing on Unleashing Love. But within that unleashing she uses the grace of wisdom for balance.
Just to note that Holy journeys east and west are not necessarily physical journeys but travel broadening the mind has so many benefits – especially escaping cultural conditioning.
Journeying East leaves seekers with a love vulnerability that Nicola has rebalanced. In zandtao’s case there was a , and zandtao suspects that for many such pilgrims they had similar vacuums of rejection of Christianity. Zandtao cannot imagine Anita’s unconditional love taking her eastwards. And for the wisdom traditions, westerners can exhibit an institutional attachment to wisdom so the priority is to release the ego that is the sum of those attachments. Given the wisdom emphasis the minimal love aspect of western seekers in a faith vacuum is the baby that is thrown out with the bath water of ego. Nicola on returning West regained that love as did Sharon Salzberg with her metta. However, for wisdom traditions in the West is the emphasis on love-wisdom balance?
Love is so powerful, this is why patriarchy fears it and essentially treats love as the enemy. Romantic love is the most usual expression of Agape (spiritual love) but combined with procreation patriarchy ties up such love in family. When you add the Sacred Wounds of the Holy khandha to this patriarchal conditioning it is a wonder there is ever any awakening.
When we look at Anita we can see Agape - unconditional love arising to some extent. Before discussing Anita, zandtao must raise this caveat:-
The following is most unfair and is mainly speculation but it fits in with zandtao’s investigation of the Agape tradition. This is formative putting forward speculation that will allow for conformation and rejection. The fact that this uses Anita’s podcast is not meant as a reflection on but as a way into Agape. For this reflection if zandtao uses Anita he is actually meaning this limited “Anita-perception”. This is a standard problem when writing of someone else, this is not the true Anita zandtao is writing about but a limited perception.
Zandtao sees Anita arising out of a church where she loves God calling this unconditional love. Zandtao listened briefly to her podcast episode Let (Self) love Rule, and he heard Anita’s daughter talking of love bearing all, believing all, …. and enduring all. This fits in with a kind of “Loving God conquers all”. For romantic love zandtao’s own life dealing with his Holy khandha provides testimony as to love without wisdom being harmful. Is there wisdom for Anita providing love-wisdom balance? In his examination of the Oprah interview, Anita’s hit is the garden within. Using her analogy, when she cultivates the garden how is she throwing out the weeds? She cultivates the grace of God as love, but how is she cultivating the other 4 graces?
And here is Anita’s practice – cultivating her garden:-
Goto [33.12] "As soon as I open my eyes in the morning, I always say, right after I thank God that I'm still alive--
…. And then I scan my body, just close my eyes. And I imagine, like, a little scan going down to see how my body is feeling to let me know where I am emotionally. We can press our emotions down quick. But in the morning, they're right there on the surface. So is my stomach tight? Do I have tension in my neck? What might be going? Do I have butterflies? And if there is some emotional pain present, then I ask myself, what do I need? What do I need? Do I need to be connected? Do I need some safety? And how can I get that need met well? And make that my priority first thing in the morning. How do I get the need met that my emotional life is hungry for? Does the soil need water? Does it need fertilizer? What's happening? And once that's cared for, I can move into my day clearheaded. But when we skip over that, we think we're fine. But underneath the surface, that pain is undermining us.
…. Conscious ritual every single day, sometimes more than once a day. If I feel some tension rising, I'll stop and do it again. But waking up first thing in the morning, every day, I check in."
As far as it goes zandtao likes this practice. But the practice is concerned with balancing the needs of the emotions that arise. What if those emotions have become attachments?
What about the 8 core practices of autonomy?
Undoubtedly Anita abides in love but zandtao questions how much her practice includes the other components. How much equanimity does she have if there is not discernment .... amongst others? Zandtao could see it as possible that her love is so powerful that it could hide from her the need for wisdom. Is this true for Anita or just the “Anita-perception” that zandtao is working with? That is not for zandtao to judge, it is certainly a weakness for the perception but zandtao does not know true Anita. But the purpose of this reflection is not an attack on an individual but an analysis to help learning. Unconditional love is so powerful it can hide the need for wisdom and other graces. It can hide the recognition of ego, balancing the needs of emotions is excellent but releasing egos is necessary; both these processes cultivate the garden within as do the 8 components of practice.
Zandtao was looking for attachments and the release of ego, and listened briefly to part of Please Review the Attachment. She was attributing some of her family issues as due to the age of her parents when she was young. For zandtao this is also a question of egos and conditioning, where does Anita recognise conditioning? One could imagine a bulldozing unconditional love conquering all. But in zandtao’s view unconditional love bulldozing in this way has limitations beyond the initial bliss. Emotions provide for more powerful egos when repressed so such trauma will raise its head to be cultivated. But can love conquer the lack of wisdom? Quite possibly. Zandtao could imagine love being so powerful that wisdom is bypassed. What might happen then? Unconditional love, that in life is anicca – everchanging, might become attached to as ego. The power of that love might wane with the attachment, and with wisdom being bypassed the seeker will then be vulnerable. Have powerful pastors become vulnerable in this way? Without love-wisdom balance there is a vulnerability that limits unconditional love.
One could imagine sin being a useful concept here. How does Anita’s practice overcome sin? As zandtao’s perception of Anita is so limited he has no idea. Anita and sin are discussed here later.
And for completeness we have to look at vision – seer-consciousness – tathata. If we see all through the eyes of love then we do not necessarily see clearly; rose-coloured glasses? If that love is powerful, do we only see a version of unconditional love that does not see conditioning and conditioned egos? Without love-wisdom balance do we see patriarchy? For zandtao the autonomy threshold brough a recognition of love to the wisdom that had dominated his practice. With this balancing love, the love became a clear embodiment of motivational energy that was lacking with the wisdom emphasis. Within the love tradition love is so powerful that it can dominate to such an extent that all that is seen is love. When there is a love emphasis the awareness through wisdom of the problems of patriarchal conditioning does not necessarily arise, because the seeker focusses on the love of God. This focus can become strained and limited or at best spiritual bypassing, because it lacks love-wisdom balance; being enmeshed in such spiritual bypassing can lack the wise awareness that can lead to seer consciousness and an awareness of patriarchy in conditioning. In wisdom traditions spiritual bypassing for seekers can be stuck in wisdom without embodiment because of the lack of love motivation, in love traditions spiritual bypassing for seekers can be stuck in love without the direction wisdom gives. Either way patriarchy benefits if there is not a love-wisdom balance.
Staying west in a state of conditioned love can bring power to the seeker but there needs to be a spiritual journey east to balance love with wisdom thus bringing unconditional love and seer consciousness.
Now that he has recorded the east-west nature of his journey, zandtao has to consider whether there are changes to his practice with the new balance. Is there a difference between loving Mother Earth, loving God, spiritual love and unconditional love?
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