(See anatta language for use of Zandtao, Zandtaomed and Bill to avoid I in writing. From now on there will be no capitals of zandtao, zandtaomed and bill).
“IN THIS FINAL SECTION, WE consider whether we can learn to see and feel the love that is waiting to be born between ourselves and all others”
[Real Love Ref 29.4]
“So we love one another even when it’s seemingly impossible; we look for the humanity behind the acts of hatred; we find our own pain in the pain of the world; and we meet it all with an intensity of love that is fitting of our intense times” [Real Love Ref 29.8]. This might be interpreted as we build up love - "the love that is waiting to be born", we create loving relationships with whoever there is, whatever they do. Is this the path? With the path comes recognition of unity, there is no choice about love because of this unity. There is no separation, no different person that we have to fashion a loving relationship for; there is path – just love. What gets in the way? The blocks of attachment, what people fashion as means of separation.
zandtao feels it is important to see this love as Prajna – love-wisdom. It is not I that loves, it is the state of spiritual love. What we have to be is wise – discerning. (Note to bill – wise and discerning in our choices). No matter who we meet, there is a state of love. But after the initial contact there are the attachments that show themselves as exploitation. Do we show ourselves to be vulnerable to exploitation? So we are discerning in displaying the vulnerability of our love.
This love has not got to be built up but our vulnerability has to be let go so that we are not exploited. Because of Unity we look for the explanations as to why this other person (that is part of our Unity) is trying to exploit us, we hope that we can show our love but we are discerning.
We make choices as to who we know, so that we know people who do not exploit us. We can show loving friendship to those who choose to exploit but we are careful not to allow our love to be exploited. It is not a question of constructing love through good practice, we have no choice – our love is there as part of the path. It is not our conscious decision, it is a decision of consciousness. With our following the path love happens, it appears that we develop love but that does not mean it is wise to love indiscriminately. With awakenings (firstgrace) this vulnerability to exploitation is possible, such awakened people need to develop wisdom (love-wisdom) so that their love is not exploited by defilement. Because of Unity those on the path love all, but love all wisely. Love is not waiting to be born, it is there through Unity; the question is do we express it?
It is sad but true that with Prajna there is love but society limits its expression. A teacher loves their students but cannot express it because the students cannot receive such love because of their conditioning. The teacher learns to restrict their love and to express it through the normal interactions between teacher and students. Restricting such love is the standard way we function in society. After upheaval bill went chasing after the path especially amongst artists. In one case he remembers pain got in the way – the pain she felt from a previous relationship. Our attachments restrict our love; spiritual love is not built, it is torn down by attachment.
But is that how we observe it when we follow the path? As we follow the path we release conditioning, we let go of attachments and it then appears as if our love is growing. In a sense it is, but the reality of real love is that we are lessening the restrictions of attachment. As we stop restricting Prajna we recognise the vulnerability of this love, and we make wise choices as to how we express it so as not to hurt our vulnerable egos.
This is why anger comes in when spiritual teachers cannot keep it in their pants. Seekers learn to follow the path, develop love and teachers exploit this. How can a seeker not associate the developing love with the teacher because it is the teachings that have released the love? Spiritual teachers need to recognise that love is part of the path, point out that students might love the teacher because the teachings have released the love, and pointedly state that the teacher is out-of-bounds. This is so connected to Zanshadtao, it is right to work on Real Love before these downsides of spirituality.
In society there are professional ethics in place with healing relationships. A patient will think they love the psychiatrist because the work has healed the patient and made the patient be more loving because of the healing. A wise psychiatrist must recognise this, talk about it so that they can try to ensure that a vulnerable patient’s ego is not hurt.
A spiritual teacher must be more aware of this transference because of their spirituality, and make it clear that the seeker has learnt for themselves – and that the teachings are not the teacher. Following the path is the seeker finding the path within by removing their own blocks, that is nature. However they become aware of these blocks is not personal, it is their own nature; but because they are vulnerable egos they might associate the new awareness with the teacher instead of the teachings. It is the teacher’s responsibility to remove this association, it is part of their teaching duty. A teacher must recognise that love will arise, point out that the love is spiritual, and not personal or romantic. And that teacher must develop a detachment that is their being a teacher, a conveyor of teachings which come from nature. It is a teacher’s duty to keep it in their pants because the love that the seeker has is not personal. To do otherwise is to exploit.
zandtao is however personally guilty of restricting too much. He probably developed this restricting as a professional teacher keeping a professional distance, and also when bill got hurt with romantic love. With Sharon’s approach of building love, wisdom in the seeker needs to be discerning as to where the new love is directed. With his path zandtao needs to express his love outside teaching, but without leaving him vulnerable – how? Better choices of people he knows would help, however because of who he does know his lifestyle has become more solitary. Maybe he should reach out to wats even if he has no intention of signing up?
It is important to know that those on the path with love have a responsibility to express that love where possible – otherwise hate wins. But in Dhammajati
we know that the rewards of love far outweigh anything “gained” from hate. Unwise love only causes pain, wise love removes hate. Love wisely – Prajna.
“This self-defense may mean we shut down when we perceive others are in need, acting out of a self-protective impulse to numb ourselves to any pain at all”
[Real Love Ref 29.31]. Prajna can be guilty of this, but not usually. The underlying drive of Prajna is compassion – ending all suffering. So when we individually meet suffering egos, wanting to help is the first thing we feel. In daily life it is usual to meet people whose investment in the defilements of our defiled world has led them into trouble. Following the path is the answer but of course their own defilement prevents that; that is what conditioning does. But what is the solution? Normally the problem is money so you can give what you don’t have – a solution. The real solution is helping these people follow the path and finding their own solution; this does not help as following the path is not usually recognised as the answer. If someone shows an interest in the path they have zandtao's time, if they are there to exploit his compassion they don’t have his time. zandtao doesn’t see wisdom in helping people try to exploit, even though there are still instances where he is exploited.
“Until we can relate to our own pain with kindness and acceptance, we’re more likely to defend ourselves against the pain of others” [Real Love Ref 29.31]. zandtao accepts the pain that has been caused him by the exploitation of defilement. But why add to this pain unwisely? When we feel physical pain it is the body’s advice, mental pain is the same – advising us not to repeat the same mistake – in this case being too compassionate with exploitation. If after receiving pain from defiled exploitation we allow the same defiled exploitation to cause pain, why do we have wisdom?
But we will cause more pain in ourselves if this leads to a defensive position in which we don’t express love. We need to seek places where we can express our love wisely because if we cannot express our love then we become angry and frustrated – blocked. And if we don’t balance expressing our love then the imbalance will lead to expressing our love unwisely – leading to more pain. Use pain wisely as an indicator, not as something to flee.
We have a duty of love as the balance of love and hate in society is clearly with hate at present. We live in a patriarchy - imperialist, white-supremacist, capitalist patriarchy. This patriarchy brings defilement to the whole world leading to hateful responses. Amongst the people, women and men, there is goodness but a consequence of capitalism is wage-slavery where the actions of these relatively-good people become defiled by the slavery. Of course there are some other than the leaders who embrace aspects of hate caused by the patriarchy, but without the influences of patriarchy these relatively-good people might live in a society without hate and possibly move towards siladhamma. But not without the end of patriarchy, can you see how that will happen?
Bringing about a more loving society must work from the inside out – from the bottom up – from the grassroots into the mainstream. As we individually develop love, love in society increases eventually ending the hate the patriarchy has created. A bit of a pipedream but the thing about genuine love is that it is enjoyable so whilst loving is creating a better society we can enjoy it at the same time. Win-win. We can enjoy tilting the balance of love and hate towards love.
24/7 compassion was raised, possibly described as “not enough compassion”? Eckhart described ego as “not enough” so this is ego raising the question. As with everything there is a balance, in this case an egoic balance coped with by mindfulness. This is balancing the khandhas – kaya, vedana, sanna, and sankhara. Of course there might not be enough compassion in our lives, but this was not the case with the woman who raised the question with Sharon. This woman, E
[Real Love Ref 29.36], was being driven by the “not enough ego”, and mindfulness from the path brings balance to this. Do the best you can, when you are doing your best there is balance; but there is still the “not enough ego”. Through mindfulness let go of this ego. But through mindfulness be aware of complacency, learn to tell the difference between “not enough ego” and complacency. There is a genuine disturbance in meditation or elsewhere when it is mindfulness, “not enough ego” is just an irritating nagging – sankhara-chatter. Let go of egos arising from the khandhas – as Buddhadasa said “Remove the I and mine from the 5 khandhas”.
“Respecting differences while gaining insight into our essential connectedness, we can free ourselves from the impulse to rigidly categorize the world in terms of narrow boundaries and labels”
[Real Love Ref 29.41]. This is an extension of Audre Lorde’s difference and identity (Selected works of Audre Lorde - Difference and Survival) to our essential connectedness – interbeing or Unity. Maybe this focus on identity began as an individual need but now it is intended conditioning. Identity is used to divide us so it is important to be empathic to identities whilst recognising differences. With differences and identity we can be deluded into seeing people so differently, through war propaganda as an “other” who merits killing. But we interbe, we can be together, can be one. Identity sees people as stereotypes, difference recognises the identity but takes it further by recognising more; a simplistic identity exaample, all black people are not the same. Whilst there is Unity and interbeing, people are individuals with their own relationship to the path and conditioning, no matter where in the world they live. Mindfulness can keep us aware of the individuals, and wisdom can provide the insight of connectedness – interbeing and Unity. “Recognizing our interdependence, the idea that we all count and deserve to be happy, is a practice—something every single one of us must do again and again”
[Real Love Ref 30.14].
“It’s simply a matter of learning to be where we are at any given moment with an open heart. When we’re truly present, the occasions for expressing care and compassion emerge spontaneously”
[Real Love Ref 30.17]. This is path, be present and love is present. Important difference – this is path, be present and Prajna is present. Prajna is love-wisdom, so love is present but vulnerability is not because of the presence of wisdom – of sampajanna – wisdom-in-action. As we become less restricted we feel a greater love and at the same time a greater wisdom, recognise the protection of the focus of wisdom against exploitation by defilement in people – and maybe in yourself. Be mindful when your heart is open but remember the duty of love.
“I’ve discovered that instead of turning us into pushovers who lack clear boundaries, this practice ( Metta meditation) makes us stronger so that we live more in tune with our deepest values. Loving all others asks us to open our hearts and embrace our shared humanity with people we don’t know well (or at all). However, it does not require getting personally involved with everyone we meet” [Real Love Ref 32.11]. This wisdom makes it clear that there is not a vulnerable position to be exploited through unwise personal involvement. It does not argue for the end of discernment-in-action (guarded or otherwise), it is sending metta to all. Is this loving everybody? Clearly not, as the heart is not opened to be exploited. But it is real love, that is because real love (-wisdom) is present with Prajna – guarded by (love-)wisdom. It is the path, it is love, metta can be sent but there is wisdom in personal involvement; just be open to love from the other by not making assumptions and being wise.
Here is a reframing of what Sharon is discussing. It starts with sunnata then through MwB we develop the 4 Dhamma Comrades from reconnecting with Dhamma that is sunnata. In order to reconnect with Dhamma we perfect the vehicle and then have faith in the path:-
The highest development of the vihara is the 4 brahma-viharas of karuna, metta, mudita and upekkha – compassion, loving-kindness, sympathetic joy/empathy and equanimity.
Having faith in the path attracts the 4 Dhamma Comrades, if there is perfection in the viharas there is no need for faith and we have 4 Dhamma Comrades. Sharon’s approach develops perfection in the vihara – the 4 brahma-viharas. Here mindfulness techniques develop these brahma-viharas especially in Section 2, throughout she is perfecting metta.
MwB attempts to perfect the vihara through the 1st 3 tetrads including development of the 4 brahma-viharas in step 9 (including more development of metta after this z-quest). But the 4th tetrad reconnects with the Dhamma – sunnata developing the 4 Dhamma Comrades. Crossing the threshold of prajnaparamita (for zandtao the Prajna portal) there is more focus on the Dhamma Comrade of wisdom bringing in Prajna (love-wisdom). Now Prajna is particularly two of the Dhamma Comrades – wisdom and wisdom-in-action (panna and sampajanna). And what is wisdom-in-action but love, wisdom brings love. The path is prajnaparamita, bringing love through wisdom. Love happens with Prajna, there is no choice; it is however a gift and a reward.
Previously zandtao has approached the question of love as associated with vulnerability – an egoic approach. This has led to proposing that wisdom protects us from vulnerability arising from love. But with love arising from wisdom there is no vulnerability, there is wisdom already. Through sampajanna love arises from sunnata, from the 4 Dhamma Comrades, through perfecting the 4 brahma-viharas. When love arises from wisdom there is no need for protection, it is an aspect of wisdom. If love is true it arises from wisdom, if it is egoic there is vulnerability; true love is not vulnerable because it is based in wisdom.
This makes vulnerability more clearly an egoic issue; in bill's loves vulnerability arose through ego. Sadly for some this means the vulnerability that arises from romantic love arises out of ego and not out of Prajna - love-wisdom. That is a personal reflection, a clarification of bill's experience; people must decide for themselves concerning romantic love. Does their romantic love arise out of wisdom? SEEing the person for who they are, loving them for who they are – for what they SEE, whilst at the same time having the freedom to follow their own paths. A big package but conceivable.
Whilst wisdom might appear to guard to prevent exploitation, with Prajna wisdom in a sense is first, love being sampajanna. From the point of view of ego wisdom is protecting love's vulnerability from exploitation. This is seeing things upside-down. Wisdom is, true love is, exploitation isn’t. If love is not true then that lack of truth creates the vulnerability and opens the door to exploitation. Is it wise to love an exploiter?
When we look at Sharon’s Real Love arising from metta there can be wisdom guiding it through mindfulness. But such wisdom would arise in the perfection of the vihara when that perfection would be indistinguishable from the 4 Dhamma Comrades – from sunnata. But being human it is necessary to ask “what happens when there is not perfection? Are we then vulnerable?” Mindfulness applies wisdom through being selective in the way metta becomes action. Metta is applied through thought to exploiters.
This gives rise to questions in the application of metta – when do we apply metta-in-action as opposed to metta meditation? This of course is a decision – discernment - wisdom. At the same time we have to consider the exploiters that we mistakenly let in because we “think we love them”. With Prajna (love-wisdom) this is far less of an issue because the emphasis starts with wisdom. For metta meditation zandtao suggests a strategy of meditating for wisdom – insight meditation, Sharon is in the IMS so covered.
Conclusion
So what "the Art of Mindful Connection is" is clear. Sharon has developed various techniques close to her approach on metta meditation through which she develops Real Love, for zandtao these techniques are more accurately described as 4 brahma-viharas meditation (zandtao will now refer to all the techniques covered in her book as Sharon’s 4 Brahma-Vihara meditations).
MwB has led zandtao across the threshold so that there is a touching of sunnata, prajnaparamita and the 4 Dhamma Comrades. Through prajnaparamita, wisdom and sampajanna comes love, it is only wise to love but only when it is wise. This does not exclude anything in Sharon’s 4 Brahma-Vihara meditations but it sees the path’s “hierarchy” as wisdom first. To describe what happens at a noumenal level as having a hierarchy is very much a sankhara-khandha ego - necessary because we are using language, but what it does mean for zandtao is an answer to the vulnerability question raised in the intro. Focus on developing wisdom especially the wisdom to SEE, and the exploitation that occurs with love does not happen; when we approach love without wisdom then there is a danger of ego and exploitation. Be wise first – not easily practiced.
Spiritual love arises with Prajna – with the 4 Dhamma Comrades. Using Sharon’s 4 Brahma-Vihara meditations there is only a subtle difference, but with Prajna (love-wisdom) there is no need for egoic protection. Sharon’s 4 Brahma-Vihara meditations focusses on perfecting the vihara (not as an objective just doing the best you can - without beating up), with faith in the path spiritual love arises through the path.
This z-quest has already given clarity on spiritual love that has clear implications for Zanshadtao. For a sense of completion esp with regards to society, zandtao wants to examine the defiled world of conditioning on love by z-questing on bell hook’s visions of love.
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